Camp Should-A-Been - Season Seventeen
Whodunit? American Idol appeared to be all teed up for a spectacular 17th season. Somewhere along the line though, "spectacular" got transmogrified into "just okay." Well, we don't do "just okay" here at Camp Should-A-Been! Everything's either extraordinary or terrifying under our watch, and we try to keep "terrifying" chained up in the Mess Hall. We've got two weeks to figure out what went wrong and set it right, and to crown a worthy Replay winner while we're at it. Will it be swamp-rocking real-life champ Laine Hardy, viral sensation Alejandro Aranda, teenage belter Madison VanDenburg, erstwhile front-runners Jeremiah Lloyd Harmon or Laci Kaye Booth, or maybe someone else entirely? This baffling mystery will be solved through keen observation, deductive reasoning, and of course, our nightly WNTS approval ratings, wearing an old hockey mask, which will off our 20 new campers one by one until And Then There Were None. Well, maybe we'll try to stop at one. Though if we're being honest, "none" is more fun.
Results
Semifinals: Top 20 Solo
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Sunrise. The familiar strains of "Reveille" blared across the grounds of Camp Should-A-Been, courtesy of Kris Allen on his...um, viola. Heavily amplified. Look, American Idol doesn't get many buglers out to audition, okay? Maybe we'll inherit a WGWB in 2020, but in the meantime, on this beautiful first day of summer, we have no time to waste. We have to get twenty freaking performances staged by lights-out, the result of the ever-growing AI Executive Producer Guild's latest hairbrained scheme: cramming the entire first round of the semifinals into one episode! ("All in favor of making everyone's first performance so brief that our viewers can't tell who's good and who sucks, say 'aye'.")
From seventeen weather-beaten cabins emerged 449 yawning Idol current and former contestants, young and old, trudging to the Mess Hall for breakfast. Meatloaf omelettes again, except as usual we'd forgotten to buy eggs. Joining them in line were our three esteemed, half-asleep judges: pop siren Katy Perry, wearing a nightgown and bunny slippers; R&B crooner Lionel Richie, in fine satin pajamas; and country superstar Luke Bryan, who seemed unusually dismayed when he remembered that he sleeps in the nude. Longtime host Ryan Seacrest introduced everyone as they walked through the doors, and mentor Bobby Bones tutored our twenty new AI17 contestants on the best way to pour orange juice. Most wound up missing their glasses entirely, which came as no surprise to anyone who'd tuned in this season.
A short while later, we got the Top 20 Show started. Madison VanDenburg, fresh off her third-place finish this spring, opened our 17th Replay with a 45-rated "Domino". Would that be good enough for the upstate NY high schooler to make it to the Top 14? We won't know until we reveal the results of the Celebrity Duets on Sunday and Monday, which will count for 33% of a contestant's first-round score. Their solo number will make up the other two-thirds, at which point we'll advance seven contestants from each of the next two shows and send the hindmost three packing.
Defending champ Laine Hardy and original Finalist Uché Ndu--...Nbudi--...er, Uché, delivered a pair of 4-star performances later in the morning, virtually assuring themselves of a spot in the next round. Unfortunately, right after lunch (carved meatloaf sandwiches to order, except we forgot to buy bread), the episode began to sag. Ten straight contestants debuted between the low 20s and mid 50s. None particularly stood out, save perhaps for Baltimore's Dimitrius Graham, who sang Adele's "Hello" to a 50 on the nose, then promptly pulled out a blowgun and shot himself in the leg with a poison dart. PFFFFFFT!–*thud*. Nice of the young man to save us the trouble. The afternoon set concluded with the unfortunately-named Bumbly singing the unfortunately-chosen "Vision Of Love" to an unfortunately-accurate 16.
Fortunately, things picked up after dinner (meatloaf and fries, except you guessed it....) Californians Ashley Hess and Alejandro Aranda notched back-to-back 74s covering John Mayer and Post Malone, respectively. Not long later, Jeremiah Lloyd Harmon dropped the performance of the season: a spectacular 92 on Bob Dylan's piano classic, "To Make You Feel My Love". It was the first 'showstopper' rating in nearly three calendar years, and the very first of American Idol 2.0. That would seem to be an impossible act to follow, but Laci Kaye Booth did her darnedest -- her alt-country cover of "I Want You To Want Me" came in at 86, third-best of 2019. Maybe this Replay will turn out decently after all.
Under a canopy of stars, in the wee hours of the night, Arizona's Wade Cota finally closed out the marathon show with a solid 57 on Kodaline's "All I Want", earning tepid applause. By this point, all that the audience wanted was to hit the sack. Unanimously declining the Head Counselors' generous offer of a bedtime snack of meatloaf and warm milk (we did remember to buy milk, honest!), everyone stumbled out of the ampitheater and into their warm bunks for some much-needed sleep. A pity that the sun rose just twenty minutes later, accompanied by the dulcet sounds of a certain electric violist. We love this place.
Semifinals: Group One Duets
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I'm Yours
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Mercy
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I Need Your Love
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The Weight
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We Belong
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Have It All
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Angel
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Like I Loved You
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Heartbreaker
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Proud Mary
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"Oh, hello Mr. Fuller! Fine, thanks. We just finished the Group One duets show. Now we're all waiting while Ryan and the judges figure out who's made it through to the Top 14, and what three singers are going home.
"Yes, sir, it's been a pretty good weekend. Yesterday we held our annual Camp Should-A-Been intramurals. The AI17 contestants did very well for their first year. Let's see, Uché came in fourth in the biathlon. Actually, sir, he has so much energy that he won the footrace portion by three full minutes, but unfortunately he missed half the shots he took at the archery range. Agreed, sir, it was just like his singing. And, it turns out that Laci Kaye Booth is a pretty good swimmer. She came in second in the Lake Trainwreck freestyle. Only problem was that when she got out of the water, she mistook a can of spray paint that we were using to touch up the canoes with her bottle of spray tan. Yes, sir, she's green now. We told her the shade actually matched her eyes much better than her usual orange, but that didn't seem to cheer her up.
"Later, Alyssa Raghu won the 5K race around the lake in a time of -- get this -- 1:08! No, sir, we have no idea how she did it. One moment, she was in the middle of the pack of runners as they entered the woods. The next, we saw her in the other direction, coming around the last turn. We know, right? It's like she has a twin or something.
"As for the show itself, there was a major surprise. Ashley Hess had the top approval rating of the night! She and Jason Mraz scored 76 on "I'm Yours". It's just the fourth time that a non-real-life-Finalist has won a replay episode at CSAB, and the first since Vincent Powell in 2013. (AI3's Lisa Leuschner and Suzy Vulaca were the others, if you're wondering, back when a certain female judge couldn't stay sober long enough to make lucid Wild Card picks.) Her boyfriend James VIII was waiting backstage proudly to congratulate her. Incidentally, sir, if you're interested, we're sponsoring a pool to predict what her name would become if they ever got married. The top three contenders so far are Ashley Hess-VIII, Ashley Boleyn, and Ashley of Aragon.
"Anyway, Mr. Fuller, Laci Kaye Booth was runner-up yet again, and Uché and Laine Hardy both reached four stars for the second straight episode. That quartet cruised into the Top 14. Madison VanDenburg had a little bit of trouble trying to keep up with Pat Benatar, but hardly anyone alive can. At least she fared a heck of a lot better than poor Kate Barnette. All her hair got singed off halfway through "Heartbreaker". VanDenburg and Walker Burroughs both advanced to Tuesday's show, but the seventh slot is still a mystery. Hang on, here comes Ryan Seacrest with the final results.
- Kate Barnette: (41 + 41 + 26) ÷ 3 = 36.0
- Riley Thompson: (22 + 22 + 38) ÷ 3 = 27.3
- Bumbly: (16 + 16 + 44) ÷ 3 = 25.3
- Shawn Robinson: (18 + 18 + 18) ÷ 3 = 18.0
"Wow...so Bumbly was the clear leader tonight, but not by enough to overcome her Mariah train wreck. She's headed home with a jar of local honey as a consolation prize, along with 16-year-old Riley "This Texas Girl" Thompson -- um, yes sir, they're her real middle names; we checked her birth certificate -- and Shawn Robinson, who if nothing else was, er, admirably consistent. Kate Barnette survived a disastrous duet to become our first holdover contestant of 2019. We'll get her a wig and some fake eyebrows before Tuesday.
"No, sir, we still haven't determined why AI17 went off the rails this spring, but don't worry. We're on the case and we'll let you know if we spot anything out of the ordin—.......uh, no Mr. Fuller, the call didn't drop. We're still here. It's just that we saw something a little strange. Just before the Bus Of Shame drove off, Riley Thompson took something from around her neck and handed it out the window to Eddie Island. Ah well, it's probably nothing significant."
Semifinals: Group Two Duets
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Time After Time
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Love Someone
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Hold On, I'm Coming
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There Will Be A Light
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Wicked Game
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Broken
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Issues
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What A Time
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7 Years
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Tiny Dancer
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Life around Lake Trainwreck has gotten quieter the past few years, as many Reality TV replay camps have closed up shop. One hot newcomer this summer, however, is Camp Unmask-Me! CSAB faced off against them in our first touch football game of 2019, and we came out victorious by the lopsided score of 63-7. You'd think that a team with Terry Bradshaw at quarterback and Antonio Brown at wide receiver would've put up a better fight, but as it happens, it's next to impossible to throw or catch a football in those ridiculous costumes. Suffice it to say that The Bee got stung, The Poodle got clipped, The Unicorn got de-horned, and the only member of their team actually to score a touchdown, The Sheep, turned out to be an escapee from our petting zoo.
After dinner (meatloaf and waffles, almost), we convened at the ampitheater to round out the field for the Top 14. As it happened, the Group Two duets rated out at 47.1, or about two points lower than Monday's show. Don't blame Baltimore-area compatriots Jeremiah Lloyd Harmon, aka The Oriole, or Dimitrius Graham, aka The Crabcake. Both men dropped 5-star gems with their respective duet partners, Cynthia Erivo and Jakob Graham. (We, uh, just want to point out that choosing a really well-written song rarely hurts, which is why this snarky website exists in the first place.) Joining them comfortably in the Top 14 were Alejandro "El Ratón" Aranda and Ryan "The Guy Who Lost A Lot Of Weight, Which The Producers Stupidly Thought Was The Only Interesting Thing About Him Because It Was All They Ever Mentioned, And As A Result He Went Home Way Too Early" Hammond, who needs a better costume.
Nobody else broke 50, though 90 Day Fiancé winner Evelyn "The Bride" Cormier came very close with dream duet partner Chris Isaak. Man, that must be an, uh, "interesting" replay camp. Wade "The Grizzly" Cota's 41 was good enough to earn the 13th and penultimate spot, leaving us with a rerun of last night's suspenseful ending. Which of the four lowest-rated dueters would earn the one remaining spot in the Top 14? A few minutes later, Ryan Seacrest got a paper cut trying to compute the scores, putting him in the infirmary. Bobby Bones deftly stepped in as guest host and announced that Maelyn Jarmon was the victor. We hit him over the head with the biggest stick we could find and revealed the actual results, which were:
- Alyssa Raghu: (32 + 32 + 37) ÷ 3 = 33.7
- Eddie Island: (39 + 39 + 16) ÷ 3 = 31.3
- Logan Johnson: (22 + 22 + 29) ÷ 3 = 24.3
- Raquel Trinidad: (29 + 29 + 13) ÷ 3 = 23.7
In a shocking twist, Orlando's Alyssa "The Magician" Raghu managed to overcome a 7-point deficit after her solo performance to slip past Eddie "The Whatever That 'Bennie And The Jets' Costume Was Supposed To Be" Island and into the Top 14. Granted her 37 tonight wasn't anything to write home about, but it was a 17-point improvement over her 2018 duet with Banners. As she left the stage, she shouted enigmatically to someone in the audience, "See, I told you it wasn't that hard!" Also leaving on the Bus Of Shame this evening were Boise's Logan "The Potato" Johnson and Tampa's Raquel Trinidad, whom we didn't even remember in the slightest so we couldn't assign her a costume, only a cardigan sweater.
So, our Top 14 is set, with holdovers Ryan Hammond and Kate Barnette replacing Riley Thompson and Eddie Island. But, hold on...here we go again. Island just reached out the Bus window and handed something to Evelyn Cormier. Hmm. Excuse us, Evelyn, but what exactly did Eddie just give you?
"This? Oh. It's our season's good-luck charm. We found it on the beach when we were in Hawaii."
Ah, okay then. A harmless trinket. Would you mind if we took a look at it anyway?
Hummina-hummina-hummina-hummina-....
Semifinals: Top 14
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Superstition *
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Knock On Wood *
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"...And then Peter got attacked by this ginormous spider, and Alice threw her back out while hula dancing, and Greg went surfing and nearly drowned!" we said. "The little idol that Bobby had found was cursed. The bad luck didn't stop until they returned it to an ancient shrine in a cave."
"Cool story, bro," mumbled Alejandro Aranda as he softly jammed on his guitar.
We'd gathered the fourteen remaining Seventeeners in the Rec Cabin to explain our new theory as to why this past American Idol season seemed beset with ill fortune. "Don't you get it? It's the same figurine! The Brady Bunch was probably the last time ABC flew the entire cast of a hit series to Hawaii, until AI went there this winter. Tiki idol, American Idol. You're picking up where they left off!"
"That's ridiculous," said Wade Cota, who was tapping away at his cell phone. "You do realize that they sell replicas of the Brady necklace on Amazon, right? It's the #12,483 best-seller in Jewelry, #412 in TV Memorabilia, and #8 in Stupid Replay Camp Plot Devices."
"You guys must get a volume discount there," quipped Madison VanDenburg.
We waited for the snarky giggling to subside. "Laugh if you want, but we went back and watched all the elimination performances from this season. If you don't believe that thing is cursed, then how do you explain these screenshots?"
"See? Every time one of you went home, you wore that tiki on the show. And, it's still happening this summer!"
Walker Burroughs quietly raised his hand. "That's not true. I only wore it once, and it wasn't on a competition night."
"Oh? When was that?"
"It was when they assigned us duet partners for the Final 8 episode."
Words failed us.
"Tell you what -- I'll wear the little guy tonight," said a smiling Laine Hardy, stepping forward. "I wanted to wear it on the regular show, but I never got the chance. All my performance ratings were about the same anyway, and I think this'll put your minds at ease." He slipped the leather cord around his neck, cheerfully strolled out of the Rec Cabin...and promptly tripped over the top step and fell face-first into the poison ivy patch. Well, we rationalized, maybe that's just some sort of Champions' thing. David Cook and Phillip Phillips do that all the time.
Anyway, our Top 14 show turned out a little better than its predecessor in April. Mostly that was due to not having Eddie Island's 3-rated Elton John meltdown on the showcard, allowing the episode rating to jump four full points to 48.6. It still felt kind of disappointing, though. Jeremiah Lloyd Harmon kept his excellent string of 5-star performances alive, while Laci Kaye Booth finished second for the umpteenth time this summer. VanDenburg and Alyssa Raghu, meanwhile, delivered at or close to their highest-rated performances of the season. That foursome cruised into the Final 10 without having to sweat out tomorrow night's Wild Card show. Joining them were Uché, Hardy, and Ashley Hess; the latter's 57 guaranteed that we'd have at least one holdover Finalist this year. We've never yet had a CSAB Replay without one.
Of course, Hess's advancement meant that one real-life Finalist wasn't going to be around much longer. Who would it be? Dimitrius Graham worked very hard trying to duplicate the difficult vocals on Pink's "Perfect", and in the end we felt he succeeded admirably. Too bad the band was correctly playing Ed Sheeran's "Perfect", instead. Cota and Aranda also suffered their first serious stumbles of the season, though at least they didn't wind up with an unsightly rash like the defending champ. Burroughs closed the show with a decent The Sound Of Music number, but it wasn't high enough. The bespectacled Belmont U. music major will also be singing for his life tomorrow night, along with Kate Barnette and the hapless Evelyn Cormier, who proved conclusively that it was not an oxymoron to include the phrases "great song" and "wretched song choice" in the same sentence.
As we were preparing to leave, Ryan Seacrest somberly walked up and tapped us on the shoulder. Whoops, did we forget about Ryan Hammond? We're so sorry. The poor guy spent the whole season being ignored. Let's see, his first projected rating was a solid 51, and that means...er, wait...that means....
...Hammond's in the Final 10? And if he's in, then that also means that...(*gulp*)....
...Laine Hardy isn't!!
It was true. We're going to have at least two holdover Finalists this year, one of whom the judges didn't even put through out of the Top 20. How much money do they collectively make again? What's more, Hardy was suddenly in serious danger of becoming the first real-life American Idol champion not to make it to the Camp Should-A-Been Replay Finals! Not only that, but he'll have to use his Victory Song performance tomorrow just to try to survive, meaning he won't have it available later in the season to use in lieu of a projected rating. Wow!
As Amanda Overmyer was pushing Hardy's gurney back to the infirmary, a Benadryl I.V. drip in place, the Louisianan waved us over. "Um, guys, you realize that I can't possibly need a projected rating this summer, right?" he croaked through his oxygen mask. "I sang in every round of every episode." We pondered this for a bit, then summoned our esteemed trio of Disciplinary Counselors, Rocco, Viktor, and Serge, to, ah, "assist" Nurse Overmyer in getting Hardy to the medical cabin. That'll teach the little klutz not to interfere with our storylines. We do pay full price for them, just so you know.
Wild Card
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Luck Be A Lady *
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After years of decline, we're happy to report that nightly attendance at our Camp Should-A-Been replays this summer has actually ticked up a bit. Granted it's not like what it was during American Idol's glory days, but meh, that ship has sailed. At least we're outdrawing Camp Chairs-A-Spinnin' for the first time in ages, which keeps Simon Fuller happy.
Unfortunately, our DVR numbers are still lacking, so we Head Counselors hatched a plan based around the fact that nobody has opened a Game Of Thrones replay camp yet. So far we've learned that (a) Madison VanDenburg makes a pretty convincing Arya Stark, but (b) our Paper-Maché-and-Balsa-Wood Throne needs some work, and (c) Streaming America is not yet ready for a diresheep.
Anyway, unless we can keep Instagram stars Laine Hardy and Alejandro Aranda in our competition this summer, everything's going to be for naught. Among other things, it means keeping them away from that stupid idol. We're pretty sure the defending champ has learned his lesson -- heck, when Jordin Sparks casually mentioned at lunch today that her dad used to play with Tiki Barber, Hardy dove headfirst out the Mess Hall window. Aranda, however, marches to the beat of his own barely-audible drummer. We hoped that whoever had the necklace today, it wasn't him, and that somewhere in his bottomless bag of original songs he had one that would get him through tonight's Wild Card show.
At least Hardy allayed our fears in a big hurry. His 71 on "Hurricane" was his best of 2019, and we're glad we got to hear it again at CSAB this summer. Big Wade Coda was up next and growled "Simple Man" for a 28. That ended his run in 14th place, earning him an autographed photo of Joe Cocker and a seat on the Bus Of Shame. dimitrius graham then smoothly crooned billie eilish's "when the party's over". In any letter case, his 51 would earn him the ninth chair into the Finals. One spot to go!
Kate Barnette, who borrowed a wig from Adam Sanders, was next, we think. It might have been Cousin Itt from The Addams Family. Her second projected rating was a 29, leaving her in 13th place. Barnette had a sweet YouTube catalog as a folkie singer-songwriter, but even Joan Baez probably couldn't have survived that unfortunate duet with Pat Benatar. Evelyn Cormier followed with a spooky, memorable take on Kansas's "Dust In The Wind." Perhaps it deserved better than a 33, but with one empty chair and Aranda still to come, we weren't going to object. Cormier took her 12th-place finish in stride; she was scrolling through her cell phone as she boarded the Bus, checking to see what other reality TV shows were holding auditions.
Aranda was the penultimate performer, redoing his composition "Cholo Love" on the piano. Would a so-so 42 rating be enough to get him into the Finals? It would all come down to how well Walker Burroughs sang...uh, the Jonas Brothers? Granted it's one of their better songs, and granted too that Burroughs had been voted into the Top 10 by America so "Lovebug" was originally a Victory performance. Perhaps he'd have picked a different song if a real-life wild card berth was on the line. But, we don't grant do-overs at CSAB. Burroughs would depart in 11th place, and AI17 runner-up Aranda squeaked through by the skin of his teeth. Haley Reinhart's dubious record of being the highest-finishing AI contestant not to qualify for the CSAB Finals remains intact for another year.
That means your ten Season Seventeen replay finalists are:
- Alejandro Aranda
- Laci Kaye Booth
- Dimitrius Graham
- Ryan Hammond
- Laine Hardy
- Jeremiah Lloyd Harmon
- Ashley Hess
- Alyssa Raghu
- Uché
- Madison VanDenburg
Newcomers in italics, but you already knew that. Failing to qualify were Wade Cota and Walker Burroughs, but you knew that too. What you didn't know is that Burroughs in fact had the idol in his pocket tonight. As he boarded the Bus Of Shame for his trip home to Alabama, we heard him sigh and saw him surreptitiously hand it to.....
...Alejandro Aranda. Swell.
Top 10 (Disney)
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The Court Of Miracles *
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Go The Distance *
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"Maybe it's a funny Scotch tape dispenser," suggested Ashley Hess.
"I think it's a Nintendo 64 video game cartridge," said Jeremiah Lloyd Harmon. "My cousin used to have them. You have to blow the dust off the contacts somewhere to get it to work."
We ran across the remaining ten AI17 contestants after lunch huddled near the Craft Shack, trying to figure out what exactly was a strange, weather-beaten black object they'd just found. Oh for crying out loud, people, it's an old VHS videotape! Are all of you that young, or are we just that old? Come on, follow us: we've got a player in the Head Cabin that we think still works.
We popped the tape into the machine and hit 'play'. On the TV screen was a grainy, shaky, colorless shot of... (*gulp*)... a well. What appeared to be a small octopus floated nearby. Suddenly and loudly, the desk phone rang, causing all of us to jump. We thought it had been disconnected years ago. Alejandro Aranda picked up the receiver and nervously answered, "H-hello?"
"Seven hours...." croaked a girl's sinister voice, followed by the ominous click of the line going, uh, dead.
Fortunately, it was just Katy Perry reminding us what time tonight's Disney Night replay started. She showed up at the ampitheater dressed as Ursula the Sea-Witch again, her skin covered in purple makeup. Laci Kaye Booth decided on the spot that maybe green wasn't so bad after all. KP was flanked by her usual The Little Mermaid henchmen Flotsam and Jetsam, which serendipitously are better snarky names for Lionel Richie and Luke Bryan than we could possibly dream up ourselves. Disney turned out to be American Idol's best theme by far of 2018, and we hoped it might again kick-start our Camp Should-A-Been season.
Fat chance. Just like the real show this spring, it was pretty good but nothing exceptional. Replacing Wade Cota and Walker Burroughs with Hess and Ryan Hammond actually lowered the episode rating by seven-tenths of a point! Harmon, who'd been doing to his CSAB competition roughly what James Holzhauer did to his on Jeopardy!, failed to win the night for the first time this summer, finishing 5 points behind Madison VanDenburg. His string of 5-star performances came to a screeching halt as well. (We really liked his version of "Candle", as if that matters.) At least we were spared the embarrassment that Idol suffered in April, as both Dimitrius Graham and Uché cruised through to the Final 8 along with fellow real-life Wild Carder Alyssa Raghu. We'd have bet body parts that Laine Hardy would pick a song from The Princess And The Frog, but his clever and off-the-beaten-path Robin Hood choice worked out well.
Matters got a mite tangled towards the end, however. Hess assumed that her first projected rating off her 54.3 average would be plenty good enough to advance, and she chose a suitable song from Hercules to announce her aspirations. Whoopsies. By CSAB rules, if a contestant has an unused performance in the bank, its rating is used at the first opportunity. Hess dropped a 32 on the original Wild Card show, thus allowing Booth to survive her lowest-rated outing thus far. In Hess's case, going the distance turned out to be as far as Fremont, where the Bus Of Shame dropped her off in the middle of the night. Her traveling companion was Aranda, who finished a disappointing tenth this summer. We have no idea what we're going to do with all this sheet music he left behind.
Top 8 (Queen/Movie Duets)
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Dragon Attack *
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Let Me Entertain You *
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Leaving Home Ain't Easy *
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Bohemian Rhapsody *
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The Invisible Man *
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Crazy Little Thing Called Love *
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Six freaking duets tonight? For real?
Camp accountant Lakisha Jones nodded sadly. There was no other choice. Two of the four pairings from the Top 8 show were still intact: Laci Kaye Booth & Laine Hardy, and Jeremiah Lloyd Harmon & Madison VanDenburg. But, Alyssa Raghu had lost her singing partner Wade Cota, so she'd need a warm body to fill in. Plus, we now had three holdover contestants, and each of them would need an unindicted co-conspirator as well. Six duets in all.
We walked out of the Head Cabin in the sourest of moods and checked our pockets to see if one of us had accidentally picked up that infernal tiki. Truth be told, we don't mind duets nearly as much as we did in the Middle Ages of American Idol, when practically everything but the theme song required two people to sing. But, they've caused us countless migraine headaches over the years as we try to sort out who to keep and who to send home. Well, maybe tonight's outcome won't be so close, for once.
On our way to the Mess Hall, we saw our eight remaining AI17 contestants playing a weird board game they'd found on the beach. Wonder where all those drumbeats are coming from? Anyway, with every roll of the dice, one of them would get sucked into the game and another would be spat out along with a random jungle animal. Last we looked, Dimitrius Graham was being chased around the lake by a hippopotamus. Like, whatever. As the old saying goes, some people are so fond of ill luck that they run halfway out to meet it. American Idol evidently unearthed 20 of them this year.
Anyway, all kvetching aside, tonight's Queen/Movie Duets replay show was...finally!...our first truly excellent one of the summer. All credit goes to guest mentor Adam Lambert, who locked Bobby Bones in the tool shed and announced that a new sheriff was in town. Nine of the 14 performances broke 50, all but one reached 3-stars, and Booth and Harmon both returned triumphantly to the 80s on their solo performances. Even with duets a-plenty and projected ratings out the wazoo, the episode came in at 57.8. (It, ah, of course didn't hurt that we'd already shipped out the perpetrators of the original show's three train wrecks.) Great job, A-Lam. Now...who the hell do we send home?
It was clear that Booth, Harmon, Uché (who cleverly requested a specific duet partner among our campers, and near as we could determine, it wasn't against the rules), Hardy, and VanDenburg would advance easily, inasmuch as none of them fell below 50 on either performance. It was equally clear that Ryan Hammond's excellent run this summer was over, to the point that he was sitting in the Bus Of Shame honking the horn impatiently. It came down to Graham and Raghu, which sounds like a grocery list. Fasten your seat belts; it's going to be a bumpy night....
Graham's two ratings were based on his season average, counting his Celebrity Duet as half a performance. The 80 with Cynthia Erivo bumped him up to 52.4. He'd already used his Wild Card performance to get into the Top 10, so he needed one step down his decay curve to score his solo number (47.4), and another half-step for his duet on "Bohemian Rhapsody" with a camper he'd also cleverly requested (45.1). Combining these numbers per our usual formula, as we used in the first week of the semifinals, Graham posted a 46.6.
Now for Orlando's sweetheart, who coincidentally goes to school just down the street from where our Junior Head Counselor works. Her solo performance might be a notoriously brutal song to sing, but it was notoriously easy to score: a straightforward 52. What about her duet? Per CSAB precedent, it counts as half a performance as-is, with no adjustment for Cota's contribution. This feels less than ideal in hindsight, but Devin Velez helpfully showed us, in headlocks, how he got shipped home during the AI12 replay because of his 6-rated trio with the departed, lyrics-challenged Lazaro Arbos. Incidentally, as a result of Velez's backstage 'counseling' in determining the correct policy to use, we completely missed Raghu's duet performance. We never did learn who she sang with, but many people told us afterwards that it was, um, unique. In other news, Amanda Overmyer reports that over 100 campers made appointments tomorrow to get their eyes checked.
Anyway, Raghu's duet score remains a 32. 52 plus half of 32 is 68, divided by 1.5 is...45.3. Graham lives to sing on Sunday, while Raghu's summer run ends in 7th place, just as it did this spring. The judges were very wise, it seems, to give her and Hardy a second chance this year. That'll probably be the only sentence you ever read at CSAB that begins with those five words. Graham hugged Raghu warmly before she boarded the Bus, and they exchanged smiles as she took a certain necklace off her own neck and put it around his. Sheesh! Where's an angry hippo when you need one?
Top 6 (Woodstock/Showstoppers)
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Voodoo Child *
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Made of Steel *
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Bad Moon Rising *
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A Change Is Gonna Come *
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"Sir, look," we explained patiently to our beloved fount of evil, Simon Fuller. "Maybe the problem this season wasn't the judges, or the mentor, or the short season after all. No, sir, we aren't suggesting they're not issues to varying degrees. Like, the judges were so useless that they're completely unparodiable, if that's a word. Bobby Bones kept getting schooled by the guest mentors, including Lauren Daigle tonight, Adam Lambert on Friday, and the pizza delivery boy last Thursday. And, one way or another, you have to convince ABC to run a longer competition in 2020. But we've been here at Camp Should-A-Been for over a week now, sir, and near as we can tell...just maybe, sir... the problem was, uh...the contestants themselves.
"Calm down, Mr. Fuller! Of course we saw their Internet catalogs! They might have been the most impressive of any American Idol season. That's part of it, sir: many of them were well-established as artists before the competition even started, so they weren't likely to demonstrate a growth arc or venture out of their comfort zones on their own. Plus, sir, uh... they're not exactly swift learners. They've managed to unearth every infamous cursed object in cinematic history. The Brady Bunch, The Ring, Jumanji, and today Madison VanDenburg found the button from Drag Me To Hell. As soon as we realized what it was, one of us slapped it out of her hand, and it flew directly into Lionel Richie's shirt pocket as he was walking by. Then, these flaming hands emerged from the ground and pulled him into the earth! Oh, don't worry sir: Hell threw him right back. No way were they going to listen to his worthless critiques for all eternity.
"Anyway, sir, tonight's Final 6 show wasn't bad. It averaged 52.3, and Jeremiah Lloyd Harmon was fantastic singing "Somewhere". Heck, LaToya London and Candice Glover turned almost as green as Laci Kaye Booth with envy. After that, though, it was 11 performances within 15 points of 50, and none were particularly memorable either way. Harmon's 64 on "Chariot" was really charitable to be honest. We think the fact that he got sent home on the original show may have played a role there. Booth at least took a bit of a chance with her song choices. "Open Arms" is really tough to sing, though; that's what snapped Elliott Yamin's perfect game all those years ago. And, all jokes aside, the Bee Gees were outstanding vocalists. You've got to bring it if you do one of their complex-harmony songs, and she didn't. As always, there are no Judges' Saves here at Camp, so the combined 82 ended Booth's stay. Fortunately for her, the fifth place prize this year was a can of turpentine.
"How did our two holdovers do, sir? Not bad. Their Woodstock songs fit the CSAB mood this summer, and for their Showstopper choices, they went with two of their best YouTube numbers. Dimitrius Graham finished sixth, which feels a lot better than his original ninth, and Uché will be around for at least one more night. It's going to be tough for him, though, because he's gotten fairly deep into his projected ratings, and VanDenburg and Laine Hardy are more consistent than atomic clocks. Plus, guess who Graham gave the tiki idol to before he left on the Bus Of Shame?
"Hmm...now that you mention it: no, sir. We don't know which of this year's contestants brought the tiki back from Hawaii, or who brought it to Camp Should-A-Been this summer. Maybe that's significant. We'll look into it tomorrow, as long as we don't have to deal with any more supernatural emergencies. Hopefuly the Final Four are through with all this cursed stuff, because our hearts can't take much more.
"What's that, sir? Do we like scary movies? Very funny, Mr. Fuller. See you on Tuesday for the Finale."
Top 4 (Elton John/Bobby Bones/Hero)
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Almost Heaven *
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Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me *
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Amazing Grace *
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Mad Hatters And Mona Lisas *
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I Got You (I Feel Good) *
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Christine *
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Our inter-camp athletic teams finished up another pretty successful season today. We beat Camp Amazin' Racers 18-0 at softball, mainly because those guys always pull out a map between bases and argue about where they're supposed to run next. We easily dispatched Camp X-Marks-The-Spot at our annual tug-of-war. Only Britney Spears showed up for their side, but she's had years of practice getting dragged through the mud. There was a long debate before our soccer match with Camp Hoofin'-It to determine which side AI's mentor and DWTS's defending champion, who are one and the same, should be on. Eventually we decided that Bobby Bones would play the first half for us and the second half for CHI. Four own-goals later, the game ended in a 2-2 draw. Finally, we were on the verge of our first-ever basketball victory over Camp All! American! Talent! Darci Lynne Farmer's not bad at hoops at all, but her puppets can't guard anyone. Anyway, with under a minute to go and Camp Should-A-Been up by 24 points, Jon Dorenbos made the ball disappear, the rat.
Meanwhile, we did a little undercover research as to which of our four remaining AI17 campers might be responsible for the cursed tiki necklace showing up here at Camp Should-A-Been. The prime suspect was Laine Hardy, the defending champ and the only contestant who didn't wear it during American Idol's regular season. But heck, he was still in urgent care from his ordeal last Tuesday. Madison VanDenburg sure didn't seem like the saboteur sort. Jeremiah Lloyd Harmon wore it the night he was shockingly voted off and then not saved by the judges, a brutal double whammy.
That left one Uché Ndubizu, Entertainer. The gregarious Texan certainly and deservedly fared much better this summer than he did in the spring. But, if his nefarious plot was to eliminate the competition, he fell short both times. At least his Elton John choice was inspired, and Bobby Bones certainly gave him a song in his wheelhouse. We're not sure though why he picked a fairly obscure Siouxie and the Banshees number for his "Hero" performance. Anyway, five-and-a-half trips down his decay curve was too much to overcome, particularly when Harmon had his spectacular Wild Card original song in his back pocket to use as his first projected rating. The burning question now was whether his 80.3 contestant rating (counting his Celebrity duet) could hold up for three more performances in tomorrow's Finale.
Hardy and VanDenburg did what they always did. Which one, if any, should we send home? The issue was that the AI production staff never did specify last winter, when they announced the 2019 schedule, how many contestants would be in the Finale. ("All in favor of winging it this season like usual, say 'aye'.") Traditionally, the AI Finale comprised two people, but the last two seasons, there were three. In the end, we reasoned that if they intended to finish the year with a head-to-head showdown, they could have sent three people home from the Final 5 episode, but they didn't. On such frail reeds is CSAB policy formed. Oh well, at least we didn't have to deal with any more cursed movie items tonight.
We were about to summon the Bus Of Shame for Uché, but he was having none of that. He told us brusquely that he'd wasn't taking any bus all the way to Sugar Land, and that he'd arranged for his own transportation with Über, thank you very much. A few seconds later, a red-and-white 1958 Plymouth Fury roared through the gates and came to a screeching halt by the stage. Hmm, must be one of those new driverless cars. Uché, who was busy checking his cell phone, got in the back seat, and the car instantly took off down the mountain. We could hear his screams echoing for at least an hour. Sigh...well, seventeen down, three to go. But on the bright side, thanks to some careful detective work, we'd figured out who was behind the tiki idol and all the chaos it wrought this season. Tune in tomorrow for our 17th CSAB Finale and the unmasking of the heinous perpetrator.
Finale
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Flame *
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The last day at Camp Should-A-Been is always a hectic, emotional affair, with hundreds of former American Idol contestants packing up their things, saying farewell to each other for another year, and heading back to their various careers, gigs, and night-shift jobs. This time, though, there was a criminal in our midst, and we had no intention of letting him or her escape justice. We had Rocco, Viktor, and Serge round up our three judges, plus host Ryan Seacrest and mentor Bobby Bones, and have them stand in a lineup outside the Craft Shack like we were filming a remake of The Usual Suspects. None of them were the perp, mind you. We were just hoping for a passing thundershower.
Quietly, we entered the Mess Hall after lunch. It was empty, save for CSAB's new Head Janitor, performing his usual cleanup duties. Ah, Jeremiah, can we have a word with you?"
The amiable preacher's son stopped sweeping and smiled brightly at us. "Sure, guys. What's up?"
Let's not play games. We know you did it.
"Did what?" he asked innocently, though there was a trace of nervousness in his voice.
The tiki idol. You brought it back from Hawaii. You arranged to have your competitors wear it during the season, and you did the same thing here at Camp Should-A-Been. We'd read you your rights, but we always get our constitutional amendments mixed up, so we'd probably just advise you that you don't have to quarter troops in your house.
Harmon bit his lip but remained defiant. "You have no proof. Didn't you notice that I finished sixth this spring? And that I was wearing the idol when I was eliminated?"
A ruse. A red herring. We're not sure of your motives, but we're sure you're the mastermind.
"How do you know?"
Deductive reasoning. DNA analysis of the microphone at the Oahu concert. An exhaustive study of the dust patterns in the contestants' backstage lounge. Plus, we asked Madison VanDenburg and Laine Hardy, and they said, "Oh, yeah, Jeremiah's the guy who found the idol and who's brought it to all the shows. He even told us it's cursed, but we never believed him either."
Harmon looked around for an escape route, but we had all the exits covered. Look, son, don't do anything foolish. We have a meatloaf and we're not afraid to use it. Just tell us why.
He covered his face and broke down in tears. "I-I'm sorry. It's just that...that this was my dream for years. Ever since I was a kid! It was all I've ever wanted!"
Er...your lifelong ambition was to finish sixth on American Idol?
"No, you doofuses. I wanted to win Camp Should-A-Been!!
Composing himself, he leaned against his broom and stared each of us in the eye. "Look. Maybe America is ready for an openly gay Idol, maybe not. But if so, the first one will be a glam rocker or maybe a female folk singer. Not a quiet red-headed guy who sings showtunes and spirituals. I knew that Laine and Alejandro and Madison had much better chances of being pop superstars than I did, and I was never going to stand in their way.
"But winning CSAB," he continued, his voice trailing off dreamily. "That's the real honor. Look at the people who've won over the years. Kelly! Clay! LaToya, Elliott, Melinda, David, Crystal, Candice, La'Porsha, Maddie! That awesome tie between Kris and Allison! I mean, that's the Hall of Fame of Reality TV singers. Every single Camp Should-A-Been winner has been a drop-dead fantastic vocalist and an artist that any Idol hopeful looks up to! Every one!" He mumbled something about Nick Fradiani that we didn't catch.
"Anyway, by the end of the Top 6 show, I hoped that my average rating would be high enough. It was time to let the other five compete fair and square. I can't help it if they kept wearing that stupid tiki even after I left! I did warn them it was cursed! You've got to believe me!"
What could we say? When a young man has his life's priorities that much in order, who were we to stand in his way? And, heck, he did post the highest rating of any male contestant of the first 17 seasons. OK, Jeremiah, we'll keep this between ourselves. Just tell us one thing, though. What did you do with the idol?
His bright smile returned. "Oh, don't worry. I knew the perfect spot for it. I, ah, think you'll approve," he finished mysteriously.
A few hours later, we gathered at the ampitheater for our Season 17 Replay Finale. VanDenburg, who was determined that someone was going to sing "Shallow" this year even if it had to be a solo, jumped out to the first-round lead. Harmon was just two points behind, having borrowed a really good song from the original second-place finisher. Hardy's 53 on "Home" (it, ahem, deserved much higher) left him third, but still well within striking distance.
In round two, though, VanDenburg miscalculated. In what will be remembered forever as American Idol's exemplar of jumping from the frying pan into the fire, she changed her song choice at the last minute from "I Have Nothing" to "Breakaway". On the bright side, she posted the second-highest rating of any rendition of that song on AI. On the down side, it was one point behind...uh, Lazaro Arbos. Not exactly the guy you want to be trailing on any competition night, much less the Finale. The 28 ended her run in third place once more. Meanwhile, Harmon borrowed a really good song from the original first-place finisher. The fourth hit to his average rating, however, meant that he gained just four points over Hardy, who wasn't going away quietly. Things looked very bad for the Marylander as we entered the third and final round with the score 113-103.
Hardy chose to do a reprise of a semifinals performance, earning a fine 66. But hang on: if Hardy could do a reprise by the rules of the competition, then so could Harmon. And, the reprise deduction in 2019 is down to just 14.1 points. If he'd had to take a fifth decayed rating (49), his dream would have ended. As it was, his 78 meant that Jeremiah Lloyd Harmon, who'd gone out in sixth freaking place two months earlier, was our 17th Camp Should-A-Been champion! Not only did he set a new record for the lowest-finishing AI contestant to win here at camp, he also posted just our third Replay 'perfect game', joining La'Porsha Renae and Maddie Poppe...and he did it despite a mind-boggling six projected ratings. As Lionel Richie might say, back in the day that's what we used to call an insipid judging cliché! Or something like that.
As the pine needles fell on a tearful Harmon, with his AI17 castmates surrounding him happily and the audience applauding, and as the curtain slowly closed for the final time this summer, we stood backstage wondering just one thing. What exactly did Harmon do with the tiki? We got our answer when a puzzled Simon Fuller walked up and asked us if we knew anything about the strange voicemail message he'd just received:
"Hey Fuller. Blake Shelton here. Tell your people thanks for that little totem pole figurine, or whatever it is. The note says it's some sort of a good luck charm. Well, hey, much appreciated, but we ain't gonna need luck to whup you guys in the Nielsens next year. This past season was a fluke! You hear that? We're comin' back full-strength and rarin' to go! Adam's wearing the necklace now, and he told me to tell you...oh, hi Gwen, what's the matter? WHAT? ADAM JUST QUIT??! What the heck is goin' on?....(*click*)"
— The End —
Camp Should-A-Been
Closed for the Winter.
Thanks For Visiting!
Reopening Summer, 2020.
Camp Should-A-Been – Season Seventeen Results
- Jeremiah Lloyd Harmon
- Laine Hardy
- Madison VanDenburg
- Uché
- Laci Kaye Booth
- Dimitrius Graham
- Alyssa Raghu
- Ryan Hammond
- Ashley Hess
- Alejandro Aranda
-- The staff of WNTS.com
