Camp Should-A-Been - Season Six
Melinda Doolittle will easily win the Season Six Replay here at Camp Should-A-Been.
(Wait!! We didn't mean to write that! Start again....) Uh, welcome to Cabin Six,
where you'll find champion Jordin Sparks, fan favorite Blake
Lewis, the inimitable Sanjaya Malakar, and eventual Replay winner Melinda
Dool--...nuts!! (*Sigh*) Okay, let's be frank.
We haven't churned through the numbers yet, so we can't actually
guarantee Mindy Doo will emerge victorious three weeks from now. But if
the top-rated contestant in the WNTS.com database doesn't mop the floor with
her 23 rivals in AI's second-lowest-rated season, none of whom averaged even 4-stars
back in 2007, we'll eat our own meatloaf. Still, there'll be plenty of
drama along the way, including a wide-open battle for the other spot in the Finale. And
as Taylor Hicks might tell us...it's never over 'til its over. Um, can we take back
that promise about the meatloaf?
Sunday, September 14th, 2008
Top 24 (Guys)
Never has there been such drama on
the first night
of a Camp Should-A-Been Replay.
Sanjaya Malakar – singer, student, cultural phenomenon, and master of a thousand
hairstyles – finished in a dead tie for tenth place with barefooted Paul Kim! One would
survive another day, the other would be shipping out. As the
judges checked the database to see who won on decimal points, the audience held its
breath...literally. That's because Kim still hadn't put his shoes back on.
While we wait, we can tell you that Blake Lewis kicked off his Replay campaign with an
excellent 5-star rendition of "Somewhere Only We Know",
and Chris Sligh and Phil Stacey turned in 4-star performances. Vegas bookies
report that if you had bet $2 on Keane and Mute Math to win
the Idol Daily Double as the top two artists of the night, you'd have won enough
money to purchase Ecuador. Anyway, beyond the top three...don't ask. There was a 29-point plummet to
Chris Richardson's "I Don't Want To Be", which just squeaked in at 3-stars, and after that
came the aural equivalence of novocaine. Bringing up the rear was heavily-promoted Jason
"Sundance" Head, whose dismal, near-operatic cover of "Nights In White Satin" caused
all five members of
The Moody Blues to roll over in their graves. Quite a feat, considering none of them are dead yet.
Wait, here come the judges with the results. Malakar's rating, to two decimal places,
was a 15.05. And Kim's was...a 14.65! Sanjayamania lives for another two days.
Kim dejectedly climbed aboard the Bus Of Shame, and ten seconds later, Head dove out the back
window gasping for breath. Put your shoes on already, Paul.
Monday, September 15th, 2008
Top 24 (Girls)
If we paid our contestants by the word, the top four finishers among the
Top 24 (Girls)
would've bankrupted us for sure. Choosing four of the longest song titles available, the law
firm of Jones, Doolittle, Edwards and Sloan finished just one point shy of a 5-star sweep.
LaKisha Jones led the way with the season's first showstopper performance, with
eventual winner Melinda
Doolittle a point behind. Jordin Sparks and Gina Glocksen also turned in 4-star ratings, but
7th place finisher Leslie Hunt could only manage a 38. That means, incredibly enough,
that just one contestant in the entire AI6 Top 24 turned in a 3-star performance on Opening Night:
Chris Richardson, at 40 on the nose. We are reminded of the old math joke: a statistician
is someone who sticks his head in the freezer and his feet in the oven and observes, "on average,
I feel fine." (What's that? Okay. We'll keep our day jobs.)
Amy Krebs and Nicole Tranquillo were the original eliminees this night, but their not-so-hot
approval ratings turned out to be good enough to advance to the Top 20. Instead, we bid farewell
to Alaina Alexander, whose Chrissy Hynde impersonation suggested that she too ought to keep her
day job, and Jersey girl Antonella Barba.
When we innocently asked them to pose for a quick photo for the camp bulletin board before
they boarded the Bus Of Shame, Barba slapped us. Did we miss something?
Tuesday, September 16th, 2008
Top 20 (Guys)
Having survived his first-round performance by a fraction of a point, and fully aware that his
days here at Camp Should-A-Been were numbered, Sanjaya Malakar decided to squeeze a
two-month media firestorm into one 90-second performance. Thus, his cover of
"Steppin' Out With My Baby", which had all the energy of a glass of warm milk back in the original
AI6 competition, was replete with a fedora, a po-hawk, hair extensions,
a crying girl in the audience (who knew you could rent them online?), Joe Perry on guitar,
dozens of swooning fans chasing him around the stage, and camera crews from 82 countries
filming the action from every angle, including helicopters. It was one heck of a job
squeezing all of them onto the Bus Of Shame, let us tell you.
Other that that, the
Top 20 (Guys) Show
was just OK. The contestants definitely improved on their opening night numbers, though none
reached 5-stars. Chris Sligh and Blake Lewis led the way once more, and Chris Richardson
joined them in 4-star territory with "Geek In The Pink". AJ Tabaldo and Nicholas Pedro
survived past their original dismissal dates. Leaving us tonight along with The Coiffed One
was Rudy Cardenas, whose first projected rating was already in the 1-star range. Doubly
unfortunate for Cardenas was the fact that there was no room on the Bus for him,
so we duct-taped him to the roof. Hopefully it won't rain.
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
Top 20 (Girls)
Coming into this evening's show, most of the contenders in Camp Should-A-Been's
AI6 Replay were cautiously optimistic about their chances. Oh sure,
Melinda Doolittle was the oddsmakers' strong favorite, but so what? Hadn't Taylor Hicks
shockingly finished ninth in the AI5 Replay? Hadn't Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, and
Carrie Underwood all failed to repeat as champions? One off-night by Doolittle was all it
would take to blow this competition wide open. Yeah, that's the ticket...
These delusions were unceremoniously laid to rest during the
Top 20 (Girls)
episode, however. Doolittle put on a world-class clinic in voice modulation and phrasing on
"My Funny Valentine", leaving the audience speechless and garnering one of the highest
approval ratings of the first seven seasons, a 94. LaKisha Jones came in second,
and remarkably enough the other eight girls finished in exactly the same order as they
did on Opening Night. We hear they line up that way every morning for showers, too.
One-night holdovers Amy Krebs and Nicole Tranquillo were tonight's passengers on the Bus Of Shame.
Interestingly, Leslie Hunt and AJ Tabaldo both got sent home in '07 singing "Feeling Good";
here at Camp, they both advanced comfortably. The bigger issue, however, was what to do
about Doolittle, whose powers were no match for these foolish mortals. After the show,
the other 19 surviving contestants were seen marching towards the Head Counselors' cabin carrying
a petition. We'll have to see what that's all about....
Thursday, September 18th, 2008
Top 16 (Guys)
It wasn't a very good day for the Men of AI6 here
at Camp Should-A-Been. In the afternoon, they were throttled in a
flag football game against the girls by the score of 56-0. Jordin Sparks scored five touchdowns
and sent three guys to the infirmary while covering punts. Then at night, the guys proved
they could sing about as well as they could block and tackle. Just two of the
Top 16 (Guys)
managed to score above 50, and none got out of the 60s. After consulting the
rule book to see whether we could advance eight girls, two guys, and maybe a couple of forest
squirrels (we couldn't), we had to fill those six chairs one way or another. So, here goes...
Chris Sligh and Blake Lewis were 1-2 for the third consecutive round. Spot #3 went to Brandon
Rogers, who turned in his best career performance . Chris Richardson was fourth
and holdover AJ Tabaldo became the first original semifinalist to make it to the Final 12.
That left three 2-star
guys battling for the sixth and last chair. Because his first two
performances both came in at 34, our Actuarial department made a special
exemption for Nick Pedro and gave him the same projected rating tonight.
But it still wasn't enough: Jared Cotter, whose three Camp performances all scored in the
Yawn Zone between 33 and 40, found himself headed to the Finals.
Meanwhile, Phil Stacey, the original fifth-place finisher,
went out in something rather less than a blaze of glory.
Not only did he turn in his lowest approval rating on absolutely the worst night for it, but
he dropped the microphone halfway through his performance. Thinking it was a fumble, Jordin
Sparks leaped out of the audience and knocked Stacey halfway to the lake. Sparks was penalized
15 yards for Roughing The Singer; Stacey woke up on the Bus Of Shame next to Pedro.
Friday, September 19th, 2008
Top 16 (Girls)
Melinda Doolittle walked out of the Head Counselors' cabin this afternoon with
a puzzled expression on her face.
She'd just been informed that she would be required to sing
"I'm A Woman" tonight while balancing a book on her head.
We told her it would improve her posture and help promote healthy neck growth. In fact,
it was really a handicap imposed by the Camp Should-A-Been staff and her fellow
contestants in an attempt to do something to slow down the
eventual winner front-runner from making a mockery of our AI6 Replay.
It didn't help. Doolittle stood perfectly straight in front of the microphone and still belted
out another monster approval rating. She easily took the first chair into the finals out of the
Top 16 (Girls)
show. LaKisha Jones was second once again, but then the girls' pecking order changed a bit.
Rocker Gina Glocksen was third with an Evanescence cover, coming on the heels of her doing
Heart and "All By Myself" – if we instituted a degree-of-difficulty multiplier like in
gymnastics or diving, maybe somebody here could compete with Doolittle. Stephanie
Edwards and Jordin Sparks also earned a spot in the Finals, though both ladies' approval
ratings fell a tad.
That left Leslie Hunt, Haley Scarnato, and Sabrina Sloan still standing for the twelfth and
final chair. Ryan Seacrest asked the judges for their opinions, and they replied that they
thought Ryan ought to comb his hair, and maybe shower once in a while.
Scarnato had advanced over Sloan in the
original series, triggering a mild controversy among the Idolsphere.
Here at Camp, however, Sloan was the easy winner –
in fact, the same six girls finished first through sixth in all three semifinal episodes!
Hunt and Scarnato, who came in seventh and eighth respectively for the third straight
night, shlepped off to the Bus of Shame, giving us these twelve Finalists in the AI6 Replay:
- Jared Cotter
- Melinda Doolittle
- Stephanie Edwards
- Gina Glocksen
- LaKisha Jones
- Blake Lewis
- Chris Richardson
- Brandon Rogers
- Chris Sligh
- Sabrina Sloan
- Jordin Sparks
- AJ Tabaldo
Newcomers in italics. Failing to qualify: Haley Scarnato, Phil Stacey, and He Who
Shall Not Be Named. We'll see you Sunday as the Finals get underway.
Sunday, September 21st, 2008
Final 12 (Diana Ross)
Things were getting a bit tense over in Cabin Six. The six male finalists in
Camp Should-A-Been's AI6 replay were desperately searching for some sport, some game, some
anything in which they could defeat their distaff counterparts. Alas, it was
just one humiliation after another. Today alone, the guys got their clocks cleaned by the girls in
volleyball, Scrabble, a spelling bee (how the heck could Chris Richardson misspell "Timberlake"?),
capture-the-flag, and even Twister – Brandon Rogers and Jared Cotter got so hopelessly
tangled that it took a crowbar and an entire can of WD-40 to separate them.
Once again, the ladies saved their biggest butt-kicking for the evening hours.
Performing the music of
they posted the five highest approval ratings of the night, and six of the top seven. Melinda
(the sure-fire winner) was forced to sing with both arms and one leg tied behind
her back, but she hopped in perfect time to the music to earn an 87 rating on "Home". Only
Blake Lewis, who managed to outscore Gina Glocksen by 6 points, saved the guys from a clean
sweep. We hear the other girls locked Glocksen out of the cabin in annoyance,
forcing her to sleep in a tree.
Rogers, who still couldn't stand up straight, forgot several lyrics in "You Can't Hurry Love",
and he didn't sing the ones he remembered all that well, either. He became the first finalist
to earn a ticket on the Bus Of Shame. Sadly for him, he also forgot where the Bus was parked and
wound up having to hitchhike home.
Monday, September 22nd, 2008
Final 11 (British Invasion)
Free milkshakes at dinner! Were the counselors at Camp Should-A-Been finally
showing some love to the contestants? Hardly. As every
professional singer knows, one should never drink milk or eat
ice cream before a performance, because it affects your vocal cords. Thus, as part of our ongoing
campaign to keep
Your AI6 Replay Champion Melinda Doolittle from making a complete
mockery of the competition, we made her drink six shakes before tonight's
episode. She chose chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, tea, fish & chips, and Yorkshire pudding as
her flavors – look, the British aren't exactly known for their cuisine, OK?
Never underestimate the power of lactic acid. Doolittle posted her fifth straight 5-star rating,
but at least she wasn't the night's high scorer. That honor went to Jordin Sparks for her
overwrought, melodramatic cover of Tom Jones's "I (Who Have Nothing)". And, since "overwrought"
is precisely how you're supposed to sing that song, her outstanding 88 rating was
well deserved. The guys as a whole did respectably for once, with three of the five coming in
above 50 and only Jared Cotter falling into the Bottom Three. Heading home tonight was
rocker Gina Glocksen, who made what we felt was a brilliant and inspired song choice, but
that only helps if you sing it in tune. Glocksen was in tears after the results were announced,
so we tried to cheer her up by giving her a free milkshake to take on the Bus Of
Shame. Hope she likes meatloaf.
Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008
Final 10 (Songs That Inspired Gwen Stefani)
No doubt the producers meant well when they chose "Songs That Inspired Gwen Stefani" as the
theme for the
episode. But, no doubt they never came up with a stupider premise, either. Because our four
holdover contestants needed suitable songs to sing in tonight's Replay, we phoned Stefani to ask
what else in life inspired her. Neither she nor her publicist responded, so we told
the contestants just to go ahead and pick song titles that inspired themselves.
You can see the results at left.
Melinda Doolittle fell below 5-stars for the first time, probably because she was suspended
by her ankles in a vat of ice water. Still, with Gina Glocken and Phil Stacey gone, the
eventual winner Nashville backup singer managed to
gurgle "Heaven Knows" to the highest approval rating of the night, a 77.
LaKisha Jones was second with
"Last Dance"...so, uh, if the theme were "Songs That Inspired Donna Summer", would the
contestants sing "Spiderwebs" and "It's My Life"? For the second time in three Finals
episodes, only beatbox master
Blake Lewis kept the girls from a clean sweep. The other four guys decided they too
would try their hand at beatboxing, with mixed success at best. In fact, Chris Sligh sounded
like he was reenacting the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan. We sent him home on the
Bus Of Shame with a copy of Beatboxing For Dummies.
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
Final 9 (American Classics)
Dear Mr. Tony Bennett,
Thank you very much for agreeing to serve as guest mentor for tonight's
show . We hope you enjoyed your stay here at Camp Should-A-Been, notwithstanding
the mosquitos, the hailstorm, the snake in your cabin, and the unfortunate grease trap fire at
lunch. We apologize that your eyebrows were singed off, but we're sure they'll grow back soon!
As everyone expected, you did a fantastic job working with the contestants.
It's ironic that a show whose objective is to identify the next great American contemporary
pop star seems to have its strongest nights when featuring old standards. All five of our
original contestants scored above 50, led by Melinda Doolittle's brilliant "I Got Rhythm"
at 89. Isn't she great?
In answer to your question: no, she doesn't usually perform while being
stretched on a medieval rack, but, uh, she had some lumbar issues that our camp chiropractor
was trying to fix. Our two holdover women still came in at 3-stars. Leaving us tonight was
original semifinalist Jared Cotter, who finished ninth despite never scoring about 40.
In honor of his song choice, one of your signature numbers,
we sent him home on the Saturn Rocket Of Shame.
Finally, we'd also like to thank you for the nice compliments about our meatloaf, of which you had
three helpings. We were gratified to learn that it reminded you of your mother's. If Mom happens
to be in the job market, please send along her resumé.
Your friends at Camp Should-A-Been
Thursday, September 25th, 2008
Final 8 (Latin)
Blake Lewis hadn't particularly distinguished himself since the finals began, but tonight he was the
proveribal one-eyed man in the land of the blind. His cover of Marc Anthony's "I Need To Know"
scored a solid 75, making it the only performance to reach 4-stars. Everybody else's
approval rating plummeted, as is typically the case when American Idol attempts a
go at a
theme. That style of music requires a level of authenticity that few contestants
are able to produce, particularly when singing 90-second song snippets on a reality TV show
to judges whose idea of a learned Latin critique is, "Perro, that was caliente!"
Jordin Sparks and
soon-to-be winner Melinda Doolittle both managed to break 50.
If you're wondering what sadistic handicap we laid upon Doolittle tonight, the answer was nothing.
We figured the theme was torture enough. Heading home on the Bus Of Shame
after a so-so run was
Chris Richardson, whose rendition of "Smooth" was anything but. That meant that out of
the 50,000 or so males who auditioned for Season Six, the top two on week-to-week merit were
Lewis and...AJ Tabaldo??! (*Sigh*) Wake us up when September ends.
Friday, September 26th, 2008
Final 7 (Country)
Controversy. Yeah, that's the ticket. With the AI6 Replay picking up right where the real
Season Six left off in terms of excitement, we needed something to provide a spark.
Unfortunately, all of Idol's stock scandals didn't even chart this time around. Seems
nobody believed us when we leaked the "news" that Paula Abdul was having an affair with
Blake Lewis, that LaKisha Jones was stealing all her arrangements from Live, that Melinda
Doolittle once worked as an exotic dancer at an Arizona strip joint, or that Jordin Sparks's
ex-NFL father had been barred from all backstage access at Camp Should-A-Been
because he was being physically abusive to Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell. In fact, most
fans were outraged when they learned that last bit wasn't true.
That left us with nothing to fall back on tonight except the seven
performances. At least Sparks and
unstoppable juggernaut Doolittle checked in
with strong numbers. Lewis managed to reach 3-stars and the other four...aw, don't ask.
You might think that our three holdover contestants' song choices were curious, but as they
accurately pointed out, the producers never specified which Country, mate. At least
none committed the cardinal sin of attempting to cover a hit single by a previous Idol
winner, as Jones foolishly did; she was extremely fortunate to be granted a reprieve. No way
she'll ever make that mistake again. Departing
camp after the show was AJ Tabaldo, who parlayed two decent semifinal performances into a
you-gotta-be-kidding-us seventh-place finish! We sent him home on the Bus Of Shame
with a handshake and a can of Vegemite.
Sunday, September 28th, 2008
Final 6 (Life Anthems — Idol Gives Back)
For once, we will dispense with our usual snark and sarcasm when discussing the theme.
Yes, it can be a bit maudlin
and overpackaged, but
Idol Gives Back
is more than just well-meaning. It's relevant. In fact, it's probably
the most relevant night on the American Reality TV calendar.
Thus, even our holdover contestants chose inspirational songs that fit the true spirit of the
evening, rather than whatever punch line we happened to dream up tonight.
However, when it comes to the actual singing...well, sorry, but a snark moratorium can
only go so far. Melinda Doolittle and Jordin Sparks each posted her second 5-star rating
in as many nights, but after that, the performances only inspired the audience to turn in early.
Particularly annoying was the fact that all six looked awfully smug on stage afterwards while
waiting for the results to be announced. Obviously, they fully expected
no one to be eliminated, just like in the original IGB episode. Surprise! By the
unanimous vote of the judges, the producers, their fellow campers,
and the entire exasperated Camp Should-A-Been staff,
we sent all six of them home on the Bus Of Shame.
Tune in tomorrow when we bring you The AI6 Final Five:
All Sanjaya, All The Time....
Monday, September 29th, 2008
Final 6 II (Bon Jovi)
Drat. Despite our best intentions at putting Camp Should-A-Been
readers out of their misery, a Federal judge issued an injunction late this afternoon
ordering that the Season Six Replay be run to completion. Who knew there was
such an organization as the AICLU? At any rate, our six contestants returned on the
Bus Of Shame and were immediately escorted to the ampitheater for
Bon Jovi Night.
As far as mentoring goes, however, they were on their own – after listening to Sanjaya Malakar
rehearse his version of "Wanted Dead Or Alive" all afternoon,
Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora had rowed out to the middle of Lake Trainwreck to drown themselves.
Despite the fact that Phil Stacey was long gone, it still turned out to be one of the better
shows of the season.
Eventual winner Melinda Doolittle led the way on points yet again,
even though we made her play the guitar solo from "Have A Nice Day" on her armpit.
LaKisha Jones turned in her best performance in ages, earning a kiss from Simon, a hug from
Randy, and a wedgie from Paula, who was drunk again. Needless to say, the real buzz was generated
by Blake Lewis's spectacular (if not universally loved) "You Give Love A Bad Name", coming in
at 85. Of course, it wasn't all smooth sailing: Jordin Sparks's wretched
"Livin' On A Prayer", the lowest-rated performance ever by an Idol champion, landed her
squarely in the Bottom Three. But as per the original competition, we added the scores from the
last two episodes to determine who went home, and Sparks's combined 95
easily outpaced Stephanie Edwards and Sabrina Sloan, our two eliminees. Back they trudged to
the Bus Of Shame. We hope they signed up for our Frequent Riders program.
Tuesday, September 30th, 2008
Final 4 (Bee Gees)
Flush with confidence after his triumphant rendition of "You Give Love A Bad Name" last night,
Blake Lewis beatboxed everywhere he went this afternoon. This managed to get on his
fellow campers' nerves a bit, to say the least. For example, it took him nearly five minutes
to order lunch at the mess hall. ("I'll-I'll-I'll...[ba-da-bum-bum-ba]...I'll
have-have [bum-ba-da-bum] have-have, have the
[boosh! ba-boom! bam!] m-m-m-meat [bam!]
have the meat-[boom!]-meat-[boom!]-meat...I'll have
[ba-boom! boom!] the m-m-meatloaf,
But while a cafeteria line might be a lousy time to beatbox, doing it while you're
trying to perform
songs in a big singing competition is even worse, as tonight's show proved. Lewis's
hip-hop/falsetto arrangement of "You Should Be Dancing" won him few accolades even from his
biggest fans. His frightening 68-point ratings drop from one performance to the
next was just one point short of the all-time record...a mark, incidentally, that
was just one day old, courtesy of Jordin Sparks. Miss S., for her part, navigated her
two covers quite well to win the night. Melinda Doolittle came in second, even though
she posted her first sub-50 rating of the season. (Note to selves:
remember to buy more itching powder.)
LaKisha Jones barely scored above average on her two performances combined,
but she was still well ahead of erstwhile finalist Lewis, who was sent back to Seattle
unceremoniously on the B-B-B-Bus [bum-ba-da-boom!]
Bus-Bus Of Shame [ba-BOOSH!]
Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
Final 3 (Idol's Choice / Producers' Choice / Judges' Choice)
We tried everything. Really, we did. We made her sing every style of music under the sun,
with every singing handicap imaginable. But not milkshakes nor itching powder nor instruments
of torture could slow down the Doolittle Express, and neither could
combination of wild ferrets and helium. Three more great performances by Mindy Doo, led
by a 5-star cover of Ike & Tina Turner's "Nutbush City Limits", allowed
the meek Tennessee backup singer to cruise into the AI6 Replay Finale,
going to win by approximately a billion points. Hmm, do you think we'd have had better
luck if we'd given the helium to Doolittle instead of the ferrets?
Anyway, Doolittle's victim, er, opponent tomorrow will be...LaKisha Jones! Despite
a long stretch of mediocre performances that dragged her baseline rating to 55.9,
Flint, MI's favorite daughter had no trouble whatsoever dispatching original champion
Jordin Sparks. Her reprise of "And I Am Telling You..." came in at almost 70.
Given Jones's unfortunate penchant for covering other Idols' hit songs, her Judges'
and Producers' Choice assignments were almost a formality.
But, even if she didn't sing those songs as well
as Sparks does, her approval ratings were still a solid cut above her rival's on this night.
We sent the Arizona teen back to superstardom on the Bus Of Shame, which is one heck of an
incongruous metaphor, but you know what we mean.
Thus, for the second consecutive Replay, the Finale will feature the original third- vs.
fourth-place finishers. It promises to be a close, exciting contest. The outcome is
completely up for grabs. There's no telling who'll win. Aw crud, who are we kidding?
We have 24 hours to come up with one last, final, no-holds-barred idea to stop Doolittle....
Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
In this corner, wearing a burgundy sleeveless (and, ahem, neckless) evening gown, from
the town of Brentwood, TN, the leader and prohibitive favorite: sweet Melinda Doolittle!
And in the other corner, her opponent in the AI6 Replay
weighing in at ... um,
let's not go there ... wearing a white silk dress and one million dollars in diamonds: the
beautiful LaKisha Jones! And 192 Of Her Closest Friends! That's right,
Camp Should-A-Been fans, we're pulling out all the stops tonight to ensure that
Doolittle doesn't win this competition. Thus, we dispatched the Bus Of Shame
to the four corners of the United States and then some, and we
brought back every American Idol
contestant from each of the first seven seasons. If
Doolittle wants the title, she's going
to have to outsing every last one of them head-to-head, in a steel cage match set to music!
Doolittle, looking a little apprehensive, went first, reprising "My Funny Valentine" to
a 73 rating and a standing ovation from the audience. But wait!
From the crowd of people on the other side of the stage, out stepped
Harold "LaKisha" Bice, who dimmed the theater lights and sang "In A Dream" a capella
to a spectacular 96! (What about the 21-point deduction for reprise performances?
Pfft. This wasn't a reprise of anything sung this season. Now go away.)
Rattled by this turn of events, Doolittle notched only a 71 on her first
projected performance, "You Raise Me Up"; that's eight
points below her average. Team Jones countered by sending
out "LaKisha" Barrino to deliver her signature song, "Summertime", earning a 95 and
opening up a commanding 47-point lead!
All that was left on Doolittle's card was AI6's infamous Original Winner's
Song™: "This Is My Now", the musical equivalent to our meatloaf.
She did the best she could with it, coming in at a respectable
64. Out stepped the other team's closer, "LaKisha" Clarkson, in her legendary
pearls and polka-dot dress, to put the final nail in the coffin with
"Stuff Like That There", and...what's that, Simon? Clarkson has to sing what??
You CANNOT be serious! Show us where it says in the rules...oh, heh-heh, right there,
yes, we see. "Every Finale participant must sing that season's OWS™, even if
doing so will kill them stone dead on national TV and/or completely
destroy their career (See: Lewis, Blake)." Fine! We'll send all of the
other contestants onto the stage to sing that monstrosity. If just one of them can score
18 or better, LaKisha wins!
Rickey Minor struck up the band, 193 singers brought 193 microphones to their lips, and...oh,
this is NOT good. They're twitching. They're retching. They're coughing up blood.
"LaKisha" London, "LaKisha" Yamin, "LaKisha" Underwood...they're dropping like flies! Come on,
somebody make it through the full 90 seconds. NO! Our best hope,
"LaKisha" Sparks, just keeled over, and she's even used to singing this song!! Five
more seconds...three seconds...it's done! It's done, and there's still one person standing!
...It's "LaKisha" Malakar. Shoot us now.
The judges huddled at their table and tallied Malakar's score. We argued for and received a
10-point bonus for Exceptional Hair Control Above And Beyond The Call Of Duty.
And that raised his approval rating all
the way to ... a 9. Curses, foiled again. Despite our best and most nefarious plot yet,
Melinda Doolittle was the Season Six Replay Champion!
Doolittle smiled shyly, waved to the cheering crowd, and departed on the Bus Of
Preordained Victory, proudly clutching her crown.
Why does she always have to be so darn likeable?
We had our camp Disciplinary Counselors, Viktor, Rocco, and Serge, stuff
the 193 losers into a taxicab, and we gave the driver exactly half of the fare needed
to get them to town. They can walk the rest of the way. Then, dejectedly, our Head Counselors
made their way back to their cabin, kicking at stones in frustration.
Although we were thwarted at every turn in our efforts
to put the AI6 outcome in doubt, we took solace in two facts. One, the most deserving
contestant won, and that's what Camp Should-A-Been is all about. And
two, the AI7 Replay would start in just a few days, and it promised to be about as
unpredictable as this one was dull. Though we're
pretty sure one of the Davids will win.
— The End —
(PS - The table above shows tonight's "real" results, as if you hadn't already figured that out.)
Camp Should-A-Been – Season Six Results
- Melinda Doolittle
- LaKisha Jones
- Jordin Sparks
- Blake Lewis
- Stephanie Edwards
- Sabrina Sloan
- AJ Tabaldo
- Chris Richardson
- Jared Cotter
- Chris Sligh
- Gina Glocksen
- Brandon Rogers
-- The staff of WNTS.com