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Camp Should-A-Been - Season Six

Camp Should-A-Been

Melinda Doolittle will easily win the Season Six Replay here at Camp Should-A-Been. (Wait!! We didn't mean to write that! Start again....) Uh, welcome to Cabin Six, where you'll find champion Jordin Sparks, fan favorite Blake Lewis, the inimitable Sanjaya Malakar, and eventual Replay winner Melinda Dool--...nuts!! (*Sigh*) Okay, let's be frank. We haven't churned through the numbers yet, so we can't actually guarantee Mindy Doo will emerge victorious three weeks from now. But if the top-rated contestant in the WNTS.com database doesn't mop the floor with her 23 rivals in AI's second-lowest-rated season, none of whom averaged even 4-stars back in 2007, we'll eat our own meatloaf. Still, there'll be plenty of drama along the way, including a wide-open battle for the other spot in the Finale. And as Taylor Hicks might tell us...it's never over 'til its over. Um, can we take back that promise about the meatloaf?

Results

Sunday, September 14th, 2008

Top 24 (Guys)

Performance Web Rating Result
Somewhere Only We Know0000Somewhere Only We Know
82
 
2Safe
Typical0000Typical
72
 
2Safe
I Could Not Ask For More0000I Could Not Ask For More
69
 
2Safe
I Don't Want To Be0000I Don't Want To Be
40
 
2Safe
Never Too Much0000Never Too Much
38
 
2Safe
Rock With You0000Rock With You
35
 
2Safe
Now And Forever0000Now And Forever
34
 
2Safe
Back At One0000Back At One
33
 
2Safe
Free Ride0000Free Ride
21
 
2Safe
Knocks Me Off My Feet0000Knocks Me Off My Feet
15
 
2Safe
Careless Whisper0000Careless Whisper
15
 
7Eliminated
Nights In White Satin0000Nights In White Satin
10
 
7Eliminated

Never has there been such drama on the first night of a Camp Should-A-Been Replay. Sanjaya Malakar – singer, student, cultural phenomenon, and master of a thousand hairstyles – finished in a dead tie for tenth place with barefooted Paul Kim! One would survive another day, the other would be shipping out. As the judges checked the database to see who won on decimal points, the audience held its breath...literally. That's because Kim still hadn't put his shoes back on.

While we wait, we can tell you that Blake Lewis kicked off his Replay campaign with an excellent 5-star rendition of "Somewhere Only We Know", and Chris Sligh and Phil Stacey turned in 4-star performances. (Vegas bookies report that if you had bet $2 on Keane and Mute Math to win the Idol Daily Double as the top two artists of the night, you'd have won enough money to purchase Ecuador.) Beyond those three...don't ask. There was a 29-point plummet to Chris Richardson's "I Don't Want To Be", which just squeaked in at 3-stars, and after that came the aural equivalence of novocaine. Bringing up the rear was heavily-promoted Jason "Sundance" Head, whose dismal, near-operatic cover of "Nights In White Satin" caused all five members of The Moody Blues to roll over in their graves. Quite a feat, considering none of them are dead yet.

Wait, here come the judges with the results. Malakar's rating, to two decimal places, was a 15.05. And Kim's was...a 14.65! Sanjayamania lives for another two days. Kim dejectedly climbed aboard the Bus Of Shame, and ten seconds later, Head dove out the back window gasping for breath. Put your shoes on already, Paul.

Monday, September 15th, 2008

Top 24 (Girls)

Performance Web Rating Result
And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going0000And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going
90
 
2Safe
(Sweet Sweet Baby) Since You've Been Gone0000(Sweet Sweet Baby) Since You've Been Gone
89
 
2Safe
How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore?0000How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore?
83
 
2Safe
I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)0000I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)
79
 
2Safe
Give Me One Reason0000Give Me One Reason
73
 
2Safe
All By Myself0000All By Myself
62
 
2Safe
A Natural Woman0000A Natural Woman
38
 
2Safe
It's All Coming Back To Me Now0000It's All Coming Back To Me Now
34
 
2Safe
I Can't Make You Love Me0000I Can't Make You Love Me
30
 
2Safe
Stay0000Stay
27
 
2Safe
Brass In Pocket (I'm Special)0000Brass In Pocket (I'm Special)
17
 
7Eliminated
I Don't Want To Miss A Thing0000I Don't Want To Miss A Thing
11
 
7Eliminated

If we paid our contestants by the word, the top four finishers among the Top 24 (Girls) would've bankrupted us for sure. Choosing four of the longest song titles available, the law firm of Jones, Doolittle, Edwards and Sloan finished just one point shy of a 5-star sweep. LaKisha Jones led the way with the season's first showstopper performance, with eventual winner Melinda Doolittle a point behind. Jordin Sparks and Gina Glocksen also turned in 4-star ratings, but 7th place finisher Leslie Hunt could only manage a 38. That means, incredibly enough, that just one contestant in the entire AI6 Top 24 turned in a 3-star performance on Opening Night: Chris Richardson, at 40 on the nose. (We are reminded of the old math joke: a statistician is someone who sticks his head in the freezer and his feet in the oven and observes, "on average, I feel fine." What's that? Okay. We'll keep our day jobs.)

Amy Krebs and Nicole Tranquillo were the original eliminees this night, but their not-so-hot approval ratings turned out to be good enough to advance to the Top 20. Instead, we bid farewell to Alaina Alexander, whose Chrissy Hynde impersonation suggested that she too ought to keep her day job, and Jersey girl Antonella Barba. When we innocently asked them to pose for a quick photo for the camp bulletin board before they boarded the Bus Of Shame, Barba slapped us. Did we miss something?

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

Top 20 (Guys)

Performance Web Rating Result
Trouble0000Trouble
78
 
2Safe
Virtual Insanity0000Virtual Insanity
76
 
2Safe
Geek In The Pink0000Geek In The Pink
66
 
2Safe
Feeling Good0000Feeling Good
55
 
2Safe
Missing You0000Missing You
52
 
2Safe
Let's Get It On0000Let's Get It On
40
 
2Safe
Fever0000Fever
34
 
2Safe
Time After Time0000Time After Time
23
 
2Safe
Bus Stop *0000Bus Stop *
19
 
7Eliminated
Steppin' Out With My Baby0000Steppin' Out With My Baby
6
 
7Eliminated

Having survived his first-round performance by a fraction of a point, and fully aware that his days here at Camp Should-A-Been were numbered, Sanjaya Malakar decided to squeeze a two-month media firestorm into one 90-second performance. Thus, his cover of "Steppin' Out With My Baby", which had all the energy of a glass of warm milk back in the original AI6 competition, was replete with a fedora, a po-hawk, hair extensions, a crying girl in the audience (who knew you could rent them online?), Joe Perry on guitar, dozens of swooning fans chasing him around the stage, and camera crews from 82 countries filming the action from every angle, including helicopters. It was one heck of a job squeezing all of them onto the Bus Of Shame, let us tell you.

Other that that, the Top 20 (Guys) Show was just OK. The contestants definitely improved on their opening night numbers, though none reached 5-stars. Chris Sligh and Blake Lewis led the way once more, and Chris Richardson joined them in 4-star territory with "Geek In The Pink". AJ Tabaldo and Nicholas Pedro survived past their original dismissal dates. Leaving us tonight along with The Coiffed One was Rudy Cardenas, whose first projected rating was already in the 1-star range. Doubly unfortunate for Cardenas was the fact that there was no room on the Bus for him, so we duct-taped him to the roof. Hopefully it won't rain.

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008

Top 20 (Girls)

Performance Web Rating Result
My Funny Valentine0000My Funny Valentine
94
 
2Safe
Midnight Train To Georgia0000Midnight Train To Georgia
73
 
2Safe
Dangerously In Love 30000Dangerously In Love 3
70
 
2Safe
All The Man That I Need0000All The Man That I Need
67
 
2Safe
Reflection0000Reflection
58
 
2Safe
Alone0000Alone
54
 
2Safe
Feeling Good0000Feeling Good
37
 
2Safe
Queen Of The Night0000Queen Of The Night
31
 
2Safe
Should I Stay Or Should I Go *0000Should I Stay Or Should I Go *
27
 
7Eliminated
Go Now *0000Go Now *
24
 
7Eliminated

Coming into this evening's show, most of the contenders in Camp Should-A-Been's AI6 Replay were cautiously optimistic about their chances. Oh sure, eventual winner Melinda Doolittle was the oddsmakers' strong favorite, but so what? Hadn't Taylor Hicks shockingly finished ninth in the AI5 Replay? Hadn't Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, and Carrie Underwood all failed to repeat as champions? One off-night by Doolittle was all it would take to blow this competition wide open. Yeah, that's the ticket...

These delusions were unceremoniously laid to rest during the Top 20 (Girls) episode, however. Doolittle put on a world-class clinic in voice modulation and phrasing on "My Funny Valentine", leaving the audience speechless and garnering one of the highest approval ratings of the first seven seasons, a 94. LaKisha Jones came in second, and remarkably enough the other eight girls finished in exactly the same order as they did on Opening Night. We hear they line up that way every morning for showers, too.

One-night holdovers Amy Krebs and Nicole Tranquillo were tonight's passengers on the Bus Of Shame. Interestingly, Leslie Hunt and AJ Tabaldo both got sent home in '07 singing "Feeling Good"; here at Camp, they both advanced comfortably. The bigger issue, however, was what to do about Doolittle, whose powers were no match for these foolish mortals. After the show, the other 19 surviving contestants were seen marching towards the Head Counselors' cabin carrying a petition. We'll have to see what that's all about....

Thursday, September 18th, 2008

Top 16 (Guys)

Performance Web Rating Result
Wanna Be Loved0000Wanna Be Loved
68
 
2Safe
All Mixed Up0000All Mixed Up
64
 
2Safe
I Just Want To Celebrate0000I Just Want To Celebrate
46
 
2Safe
Tonight I Wanna Cry0000Tonight I Wanna Cry
45
 
2Safe
I'm A Man *0000I'm A Man *
42
 
2Safe
If You Really Love Me0000If You Really Love Me
37
 
2Safe
Still The Same *0000Still The Same *
34
 
7Eliminated
I Need You0000I Need You
24
 
7Eliminated

It wasn't a very good day for the Men of AI6 here at Camp Should-A-Been. In the afternoon, they were throttled in a flag football game against the girls by the score of 56-0. Jordin Sparks scored five touchdowns and sent three guys to the infirmary while covering punts. Then at night, the guys proved they could sing about as well as they could block and tackle. Just two of the Top 16 (Guys) managed to score above 50, and none got out of the 60s. After consulting the rule book to see whether we could advance eight girls, two guys, and maybe a couple of forest squirrels (we couldn't), we had to fill those six chairs one way or another. So, here goes...

Chris Sligh and Blake Lewis were 1-2 for the third consecutive round. Spot #3 went to Brandon Rogers, who turned in his best career performance . Chris Richardson was fourth and holdover AJ Tabaldo became the first original semifinalist to make it to the Final 12. That left three 2-star guys battling for the sixth and last chair. Because his first two performances both came in at 34, our Actuarial department made a special exemption for Nick Pedro and gave him the same projected rating tonight. But it still wasn't enough: Jared Cotter, whose three Camp performances all scored in the Yawn Zone between 33 and 40, found himself headed to the Finals.

Meanwhile, Phil Stacey, the original fifth-place finisher, went out in something rather less than a blaze of glory. Not only did he turn in his lowest approval rating on absolutely the worst night for it, but he dropped the microphone halfway through his performance. Thinking it was a fumble, Jordin Sparks leaped out of the audience and knocked Stacey halfway to the lake. Sparks was penalized 15 yards for Roughing The Singer; Stacey woke up on the Bus Of Shame next to Pedro.

Friday, September 19th, 2008

Top 16 (Girls)

Performance Web Rating Result
I'm A Woman0000I'm A Woman
91
 
2Safe
I Have Nothing0000I Have Nothing
68
 
2Safe
Call Me When You're Sober0000Call Me When You're Sober
61
 
2Safe
Sweet Thing0000Sweet Thing
54
 
2Safe
Heartbreaker0000Heartbreaker
51
 
2Safe
Don't Let It Go (Love)0000Don't Let It Go (Love)
44
 
2Safe
I'm Walking The Dog *0000I'm Walking The Dog *
34
 
7Eliminated
If My Heart Had Wings0000If My Heart Had Wings
21
 
7Eliminated

Melinda Doolittle walked out of the Head Counselors' cabin this afternoon with a puzzled expression on her face. She'd just been informed that she would be required to sing "I'm A Woman" tonight while balancing a book on her head. We told her it would improve her posture and help promote healthy neck growth. In fact, it was really a handicap imposed by the Camp Should-A-Been staff and her fellow contestants in an attempt to do something to slow down the sweet-natured eventual winner front-runner from making a mockery of our AI6 Replay.

It didn't help. Doolittle stood perfectly straight in front of the microphone and still belted out another monster approval rating. She easily took the first chair into the finals out of the Top 16 (Girls) show. LaKisha Jones was second once again, but then the girls' pecking order changed a bit. Rocker Gina Glocksen was third with an Evanescence cover, coming on the heels of her doing Heart and "All By Myself" – if we instituted a degree-of-difficulty multiplier like in gymnastics or diving, maybe somebody here could compete with Doolittle. Stephanie Edwards and Jordin Sparks also earned a spot in the Finals, though both ladies' approval ratings fell a tad.

That left Leslie Hunt, Haley Scarnato, and Sabrina Sloan still standing for the twelfth and final chair. Ryan Seacrest asked the judges for their opinions, and they replied that they thought Ryan ought to comb his hair, and maybe shower once in a while. Scarnato had advanced over Sloan in the original series, triggering a mild controversy among the Idolsphere. Here at Camp, however, Sloan was the easy winner – in fact, the same six girls finished first through sixth in all three semifinal episodes!

Hunt and Scarnato, who came in seventh and eighth respectively for the third straight night, shlepped off to the Bus of Shame, giving us these twelve Finalists in the AI6 Replay:

  • Jared Cotter
  • Melinda Doolittle, (E.W.)
  • Stephanie Edwards
  • Gina Glocksen
  • LaKisha Jones
  • Blake Lewis
  • Chris Richardson
  • Brandon Rogers
  • Chris Sligh
  • Sabrina Sloan
  • Jordin Sparks
  • AJ Tabaldo

Newcomers in italics. Failing to qualify: Haley Scarnato, Phil Stacey, and He Who Shall Not Be Named. We'll see you Sunday as the Finals get underway.

Sunday, September 21st, 2008

Final 12 (Diana Ross)

Performance Web Rating Result
Home0000Home
87
 
2Safe
God Bless The Child0000God Bless The Child
85
 
2Safe
If We Hold On Together0000If We Hold On Together
77
 
2Safe
We Are The World *0000We Are The World *
57
 
2Safe
Love Hangover0000Love Hangover
53
 
2Safe
You Keep Me Hangin' On0000You Keep Me Hangin' On
50
 
2Safe
Love Child0000Love Child
44
 
2Safe
Where Did Our Love Go *0000Where Did Our Love Go *
38
 
2Safe
Endless Love0000Endless Love
35
 
2Safe
Upside Down *0000Upside Down *
33
 
4Bottom Group
The Boss0000The Boss
23
 
4Bottom Group
You Can't Hurry Love0000You Can't Hurry Love
12
 
7Eliminated

Things were getting a bit tense over in Cabin Six. The six male finalists in Camp Should-A-Been's AI6 replay were desperately searching for some sport, some game, some anything in which they could defeat their distaff counterparts. Alas, it was just one humiliation after another. Today alone, the guys got their clocks cleaned by the girls in volleyball, Scrabble, a spelling bee (how the heck could Chris Richardson misspell "Timberlake"?), capture-the-flag, and even Twister – Brandon Rogers and Jared Cotter got so hopelessly tangled that it took a crowbar and an entire can of WD-40 to separate them.

Once again, the ladies saved their biggest butt-kicking for the evening hours. Performing the music of Diana Ross, they posted the five highest approval ratings of the night, and six of the top seven. Melinda Doolittle (the sure-fire winner) was forced to sing with both arms and one leg tied behind her back, but she hopped in perfect time to the music to earn an 87 rating on "Home". Only Blake Lewis, who managed to outscore Gina Glocksen by 6 points, saved the guys from a clean sweep. We hear the other girls locked Glocksen out of the cabin in annoyance, forcing her to sleep in a tree.

Rogers, who still couldn't stand up straight, forgot several lyrics in "You Can't Hurry Love", and he didn't sing the ones he remembered all that well, either. He became the first finalist to earn a ticket on the Bus Of Shame. Sadly for him, he also forgot where the Bus was parked and wound up having to hitchhike home.

Monday, September 22nd, 2008

Final 11 (British Invasion)

Performance Web Rating Result
I (Who Have Nothing)0000I (Who Have Nothing)
88
 
2Safe
As Long As He Needs Me0000As Long As He Needs Me
82
 
2Safe
Time Of The Season0000Time Of The Season
72
 
2Safe
Diamonds Are Forever0000Diamonds Are Forever
63
 
2Safe
She's Not There0000She's Not There
54
 
2Safe
Don't Sleep In The Subway *0000Don't Sleep In The Subway *
52
 
2Safe
Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying0000Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying
51
 
2Safe
Tell Her No *0000Tell Her No *
34
 
2Safe
You Don't Have To Say You Love Me0000You Don't Have To Say You Love Me
32
 
4Bottom Group
We Gotta Get Out Of This Place *0000We Gotta Get Out Of This Place *
30
 
4Bottom Group
Paint It, Black0000Paint It, Black
28
 
7Eliminated

Free milkshakes at dinner! Were the counselors at Camp Should-A-Been finally showing some love to the contestants? Hardly. As every professional singer knows, one should never drink milk or eat ice cream before a performance, because it affects your vocal cords. Thus, as part of our ongoing campaign to keep Your AI6 Replay Champion Melinda Doolittle from making a complete mockery of the competition, we made her drink six shakes before tonight's British Invasion episode. She chose chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, tea, fish & chips, and Yorkshire pudding as her flavors – look, the British aren't exactly known for their cuisine, OK?

Never underestimate the power of lactic acid. Doolittle posted her fifth straight 5-star rating, but at least she wasn't the night's high scorer. That honor went to Jordin Sparks for her overwrought, melodramatic cover of Tom Jones's "I (Who Have Nothing)". And, since "overwrought" is precisely how you're supposed to sing that song, her outstanding 88 rating was well deserved. The guys as a whole did respectably for once, with three of the five coming in above 50 and only Jared Cotter falling into the Bottom Three. Heading home tonight was rocker Gina Glocksen, who made what we felt was a brilliant and inspired song choice, but that only helps if you sing it in tune. Glocksen was in tears after the results were announced, so we tried to cheer her up by giving her a free milkshake to take on the Bus Of Shame. Hope she likes meatloaf.

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008

Final 10 (Songs That Inspired Gwen Stefani)

Performance Web Rating Result
Heaven Knows0000Heaven Knows
77
 
2Safe
Last Dance0000Last Dance
58
 
2Safe
Love Song0000Love Song
57
 
2Safe
Fame *0000Fame *
53
 
2Safe
Hey Baby0000Hey Baby
52
 
2Safe
Money *0000Money *
47
 
2Safe
Don't Speak0000Don't Speak
34
 
2Safe
Fast Car *0000Fast Car *
31
 
4Bottom Group
Stayin' Alive *0000Stayin' Alive *
27
 
4Bottom Group
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic0000Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
17
 
7Eliminated

No doubt the producers meant well when they chose "Songs That Inspired Gwen Stefani" as the theme for the Final 10 episode. But, no doubt they never came up with a stupider premise, either. Because our four holdover contestants needed suitable songs to sing in tonight's Replay, we phoned Stefani to ask what else in life inspired her. Neither she nor her publicist responded, so we told the contestants just to go ahead and pick song titles that inspired themselves. You can see the results at left.

Melinda Doolittle fell below 5-stars for the first time, probably because she was suspended by her ankles in a vat of ice water. Still, with Gina Glocken and Phil Stacey gone, the eventual winner Nashville backup singer managed to gurgle "Heaven Knows" to the highest approval rating of the night, a 77. LaKisha Jones was second with "Last Dance"...so, uh, if the theme was "Songs That Inspired Donna Summer", would the contestants sing "Spiderwebs" and "It's My Life"? For the second time in three Finals episodes, only beatbox master Blake Lewis kept the girls from a clean sweep. The other four guys decided they too would try their hand at beatboxing, with mixed success at best. In fact, Chris Sligh sounded like he was reenacting the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan. We sent him home on the Bus Of Shame with a copy of Beatboxing For Dummies.

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

Final 9 (American Classics)

Performance Web Rating Result
I Got Rhythm0000I Got Rhythm
89
 
2Safe
On A Clear Day You Can See Forever0000On A Clear Day You Can See Forever
72
 
2Safe
Mack The Knife0000Mack The Knife
59
 
2Safe
Stormy Weather0000Stormy Weather
56
 
2Safe
Don't Get Around Much Anymore0000Don't Get Around Much Anymore
53
 
2Safe
I Left My Heart In San Francisco*0000I Left My Heart In San Francisco*
48
 
2Safe
Rags To Riches *0000Rags To Riches *
42
 
4Bottom Group
Put On A Happy Face *0000Put On A Happy Face *
28
 
4Bottom Group
Fly Me To The Moon *0000Fly Me To The Moon *
23
 
7Eliminated

Dear Mr. Tony Bennett,

Thank you very much for agreeing to serve as guest mentor for tonight's American Classics show . We hope you enjoyed your stay here at Camp Should-A-Been, notwithstanding the mosquitos, the hailstorm, the snake in your cabin, and the unfortunate grease trap fire at lunch. We apologize that your eyebrows were singed off, but we're sure they'll grow back soon!

As everyone expected, you did a fantastic job working with the contestants. It's ironic that a show whose objective is to identify the next great American contemporary pop star seems to have its strongest nights when featuring old standards. All five of our original contestants scored above 50, led by Melinda Doolittle's brilliant "I Got Rhythm" at 89. Isn't she great? In answer to your question: no, she doesn't usually perform while being stretched on a medieval rack, but, uh, she had some lumbar issues that our camp chiropractor was trying to fix. Our two holdover women still came in at 3-stars. Leaving us tonight was original semifinalist Jared Cotter, who finished ninth despite never scoring about 40. In honor of his song choice, one of your signature numbers, we sent him home on the Saturn Rocket Of Shame.

Finally, we'd also like to thank you for the nice compliments about our meatloaf, of which you had three helpings. We were gratified to learn that it reminded you of your mother's. If Mom happens to be in the job market, please send along her resumé.

Sincerely,

Your friends at Camp Should-A-Been

Thursday, September 25th, 2008

Final 8 (Latin)

Performance Web Rating Result
I Need To Know0000I Need To Know
75
 
2Safe
Sway0000Sway
58
 
2Safe
Rhythm Is Gonna Get You0000Rhythm Is Gonna Get You
54
 
2Safe
Oye Como Va *0000Oye Como Va *
43
 
2Safe
Conga0000Conga
38
 
2Safe
Into The Night *0000Into The Night *
38
 
4Bottom Group
Evil Ways *0000Evil Ways *
25
 
4Bottom Group
Smooth0000Smooth
23
 
7Eliminated

Blake Lewis hadn't particularly distinguished himself since the finals began, but tonight he was the proveribal one-eyed man in the land of the blind. His cover of Marc Anthony's "I Need To Know" scored a solid 75, making it the only performance to reach 4-stars. Everybody else's approval rating plummeted, as is typically the case when American Idol attempts a go at a Latin theme. That style of music requires a level of authenticity that few contestants are able to produce, particularly when singing 90-second song snippets on a reality TV show to judges whose idea of a learned Latin critique is, "Perro, that was caliente!"

Jordin Sparks and soon-to-be winner Melinda Doolittle both managed to break 50. If you're wondering what sadistic handicap we laid upon Doolittle tonight, the answer was nothing. We figured the theme was torture enough. Heading home on the Bus Of Shame after a so-so run was Chris Richardson, whose rendition of "Smooth" was anything but. That meant that out of the 50,000 or so males who auditioned for Season Six, the top two on week-to-week merit were Lewis and...AJ Tabaldo??! (*Sigh*) Wake us up when September ends.

Friday, September 26th, 2008

Final 7 (Country)

Performance Web Rating Result
Trouble Is A Woman0000Trouble Is A Woman
86
 
2Safe
A Broken Wing0000A Broken Wing
84
 
2Safe
When The Stars Go Blue0000When The Stars Go Blue
46
 
2Safe
Tie Me Kangaroo Down *0000Tie Me Kangaroo Down *
39
 
2Safe
Waltzing Matilda *0000Waltzing Matilda *
34
 
4Bottom Group
Jesus Take The Wheel0000Jesus Take The Wheel
31
 
4Bottom Group
Down Under *0000Down Under *
23
 
7Eliminated

Controversy. Yeah, that's the ticket. With the AI6 Replay picking up right where the real Season Six left off in terms of excitement, we needed something to provide a spark. Unfortunately, all of Idol's stock scandals didn't even chart this time around. Seems nobody believed us when we leaked the "news" that Paula Abdul was having an affair with Blake Lewis, that LaKisha Jones was stealing all her arrangements from Live, that Melinda Doolittle once worked as an exotic dancer at an Arizona strip joint, or that Jordin Sparks's ex-NFL father had been barred from all backstage access at Camp Should-A-Been because he was being physically abusive to Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell. In fact, most fans were outraged when they learned that last bit wasn't true.

That left us with nothing to fall back on tonight except the seven Country performances. At least Sparks and unstoppable juggernaut Doolittle checked in with strong numbers. Lewis managed to reach 3-stars and the other four...aw, don't ask. You might think that our three holdover contestants' song choices were curious, but as they accurately pointed out, the producers never specified which Country, mate. At least none committed the cardinal sin of attempting to cover a hit single by a previous Idol winner, as Jones foolishly did; she was extremely fortunate to be granted a reprieve. No way she'll ever make that mistake again. Departing camp after the show was AJ Tabaldo, who parlayed two decent semifinal performances into a you-gotta-be-kidding-us seventh-place finish! We sent him home on the Bus Of Shame with a handshake and a can of Vegemite.

Sunday, September 28th, 2008

Final 6 (Life Anthems — Idol Gives Back)

Performance Web Rating Result
There Will Come A Day0000There Will Come A Day
84
 
7Eliminated
You'll Never Walk Alone0000You'll Never Walk Alone
82
 
7Eliminated
Imagine0000Imagine
38
 
7Eliminated
The Rose *0000The Rose *
35
 
7Eliminated
I Believe0000I Believe
32
 
7Eliminated
Higher And Higher *0000Higher And Higher *
31
 
7Eliminated

For once, we will dispense with our usual snark and sarcasm when discussing the theme. Yes, it can be a bit maudlin and overpackaged, but Idol Gives Back is more than just well-meaning. It's relevant. In fact, it's probably the most relevant night on the American Reality TV calendar. Thus, even our holdover contestants chose inspirational songs that fit the true spirit of the evening, rather than whatever punch line we happened to dream up tonight.

However, when it comes to the actual singing...well, sorry, but a snark moratorium can only go so far. Melinda Doolittle and Jordin Sparks each posted her second 5-star rating in as many nights, but after that, the performances only inspired the audience to turn in early. Particularly annoying was the fact that all six looked awfully smug on stage afterwards while waiting for the results to be announced. Obviously, they fully expected no one to be eliminated, just like in the original IGB episode. Surprise! By the unanimous vote of the judges, the producers, their fellow campers, and the entire exasperated Camp Should-A-Been staff, we sent all six of them home on the Bus Of Shame. Tune in tomorrow when we bring you The AI6 Final Five: All Sanjaya, All The Time....

Monday, September 29th, 2008

Final 6 II (Bon Jovi)

Performance Web Rating Result
Have A Nice Day0000Have A Nice Day
88
 
2Safe
You Give Love A Bad Name0000You Give Love A Bad Name
85
 
2Safe
This Ain't A Love Song0000This Ain't A Love Song
78
 
2Safe
Always *0000Always *
32
 
7Eliminated
Who Says You Can't Go Home *0000Who Says You Can't Go Home *
28
 
7Eliminated
Livin' On A Prayer0000Livin' On A Prayer
13
 
4Bottom Group

Drat. Despite our best intentions at putting Camp Should-A-Been readers out of their misery, a Federal judge issued an injunction late this afternoon ordering that the Season Six Replay be run to completion. Who knew there was such an organization as the AICLU? At any rate, our six contestants returned on the Bus Of Shame and were immediately escorted to the ampitheater for Bon Jovi Night. As far as mentoring goes, however, they were on their own – after listening to Sanjaya Malakar rehearse his version of "Wanted Dead Or Alive" all afternoon, Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora had rowed out to the middle of Lake Trainwreck to drown themselves.

Despite the fact that Phil Stacey was long gone, it still turned out to be one of the better shows of the season. Eventual winner Melinda Doolittle led the way on points yet again, even though we made her play the guitar solo from "Have A Nice Day" on her armpit. LaKisha Jones turned in her best performance in ages, earning a kiss from Simon, a hug from Randy, and a wedgie from Paula, who was drunk again. Needless to say, the real buzz was generated by Blake Lewis's spectacular (if not universally loved) "You Give Love A Bad Name", coming in at 85. Of course, it wasn't all smooth sailing: Jordin Sparks's wretched "Livin' On A Prayer", the lowest-rated performance ever by an Idol champion, landed her squarely in the Bottom Three. But as per the original competition, we added the scores from the last two episodes to determine who went home, and Sparks's combined 95 easily outpaced Stephanie Edwards and Sabrina Sloan, our two eliminees. Back they trudged to the Bus Of Shame. We hope they signed up for our Frequent Riders program.

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

Final 4 (Bee Gees)

Performance Web Rating Result
To Love Somebody0000To Love Somebody
79
 
2Safe
How Can You Mend A Broken Heart0000How Can You Mend A Broken Heart
69
 
2Safe
Love You Inside Out0000Love You Inside Out
46
 
2Safe
Woman In Love0000Woman In Love
40
 
2Safe
Run To Me0000Run To Me
34
 
4Bottom Group
This Is Where I Came In0000This Is Where I Came In
25
 
7Eliminated
Stayin' Alive0000Stayin' Alive
21
 
4Bottom Group
You Should Be Dancing0000You Should Be Dancing
17
 
7Eliminated

Flush with confidence after his triumphant rendition of "You Give Love A Bad Name" last night, Blake Lewis beatboxed everywhere he went this afternoon. This managed to get on his fellow campers' nerves a bit, to say the least. For example, it took him nearly five minutes to order lunch at the mess hall. ("I'll-I'll-I'll...[ba-da-bum-bum-ba]...I'll have-have [bum-ba-da-bum] have-have, have the [boosh! ba-boom! bam!] m-m-m-meat [bam!] have the meat-[boom!]-meat-[boom!]-meat...I'll have [ba-boom! boom!] the m-m-meatloaf, please! [Ba-da-BOOM-ba-boosh!]")

But while a cafeteria line might be a lousy time to beatbox, doing it while you're trying to perform Bee Gees songs in a big singing competition is even worse, as tonight's show proved. Lewis's hip-hop/falsetto arrangement of "You Should Be Dancing" won him few accolades even from his biggest fans. His frightening 68-point ratings drop from one performance to the next was just one point short of the all-time record...a mark, incidentally, that was just one day old, courtesy of Jordin Sparks. Miss S., for her part, navigated her two covers quite well to win the night. Melinda Doolittle came in second, even though she posted her first sub-50 rating of the season. (Note to selves: remember to buy more itching powder.) LaKisha Jones barely scored above average on her two performances combined, but she was still well ahead of erstwhile finalist Lewis, who was sent back to Seattle unceremoniously on the B-B-B-Bus [bum-ba-da-boom!] Bus-Bus Of Shame [ba-BOOSH!]

Wednesday, October 1st, 2008

Final 3 (Idol's Choice / Producers' Choice / Judges' Choice)

Performance Web Rating Result
Nutbush City Limits0000Nutbush City Limits
82
 
2Safe
I (Who Have Nothing)0000I (Who Have Nothing)Reprise performance
77
 
7Eliminated
I'm A Woman0000I'm A WomanReprise performance
70
 
2Safe
And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going *0000And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going *Reprise performance
69
 
2Safe
I Believe In You And Me0000I Believe In You And Me
67
 
2Safe
Tattoo *0000Tattoo *
51
 
2Safe
No Air *0000No Air *
46
 
2Safe
Wishing On A Star0000Wishing On A Star
43
 
7Eliminated
She Works Hard For The Money0000She Works Hard For The Money
32
 
7Eliminated

We tried everything. Really, we did. We made her sing every style of music under the sun, and saddled with every singing handicap imaginable. But not milkshakes nor itching powder nor instruments of torture could slow down the Doolittle Express, and neither could tonight's combination of wild ferrets and helium. Three more great performances by Mindy Doo, led by a 5-star cover of Ike & Tina Turner's "Nutbush City Limits", allowed the meek Tennessee backup singer to cruise into the AI6 Replay Finale, which she's going to win by approximately a billion points. Hmm, do you think we'd have had better luck if we'd given the helium to Doolittle instead of the ferrets?

Anyway, Doolittle's victim, er, opponent tomorrow will be...LaKisha Jones! Despite a long stretch of mediocre performances that dragged her baseline rating to 55.9, Flint, MI's favorite daughter had no trouble whatsoever dispatching original champion Jordin Sparks. Her reprise of "And I Am Telling You..." came in at almost 70. Given Jones's unfortunate penchant for covering other Idols' hit songs, her Judges' and Producers' Choice assignments were almost a formality. But, even if she didn't sing those songs as well as Sparks does, her approval ratings were still a solid cut above her rival's on this night. We sent the Arizona teen back to superstardom on the Bus Of Shame, which is one heck of an incongruous metaphor, but you know what we mean.

Thus, for the second consecutive Replay, the Finale will feature the original third- vs. fourth-place finishers. It promises to be a close, exciting contest. The outcome is completely up for grabs. There's no telling who'll win. Aw crud, who are we kidding? We have 24 hours to come up with one last, final, no-holds-barred idea to stop Doolittle....

Thursday, October 2nd, 2008

Finale

Performance Web Rating Result
My Funny Valentine *0000My Funny Valentine *Reprise performance
73
 
2Safe
You Raise Me Up *0000You Raise Me Up *
71
 
2Safe
God Bless The Child *0000God Bless The Child *Reprise performance
64
 
7Eliminated
This Is My Now *0000This Is My Now *
64
 
2Safe
With A Little Help From My Friends *0000With A Little Help From My Friends *
41
 
7Eliminated
This Is My Now *0000This Is My Now *
37
 
7Eliminated

In this corner, wearing a burgundy sleeveless (and, ahem, neckless) evening gown, from the town of Brentwood, TN, the leader and prohibitive favorite: sweet Melinda Doolittle! And in the other corner, her opponent in the AI6 Replay Finale, weighing in at ... um, let's not go there ... wearing a white silk dress and one million dollars in diamonds: the beautiful LaKisha Jones! And 192 Of Her Closest Friends! That's right, Camp Should-A-Been fans, we're pulling out all the stops tonight to ensure that Doolittle doesn't win this competition. Thus, we dispatched the Bus Of Shame to the four corners of the United States and then some, and we brought back every American Idol contestant from each of the first seven seasons. If Doolittle wants the title, she's going to have to outsing every last one of them head-to-head, in a steel cage match set to music!

Doolittle, looking a little apprehensive, went first, reprising "My Funny Valentine" to a 73 rating and a standing ovation from the audience. But wait! From the crowd of people on the other side of the stage, out stepped Harold "LaKisha" Bice, who dimmed the theater lights and sang "In A Dream" a capella to a spectacular 96! (What about the 21-point deduction for reprise performances? Pfft. This wasn't a reprise of anything sung this season. Now go away.) Rattled by this turn of events, Doolittle notched only a 71 on her first projected performance, "You Raise Me Up"; that's eight points below her average. Team Jones countered by sending out "LaKisha" Barrino to deliver her signature song, "Summertime", earning a 95 and opening up a commanding 47-point lead!

All that was left on Doolittle's card was AI6's infamous Original Winner's Song™: "This Is My Now", the musical equivalent to our meatloaf. She did the best she could with it, coming in at a respectable 64. Out stepped the other team's closer, "LaKisha" Clarkson, in her legendary pearls and polka-dot dress, to put the final nail in the coffin with "Stuff Like That There", and...what's that, Simon? Clarkson has to sing what?? You CANNOT be serious! Show us where it says in the rules...oh, heh-heh, right there, yes, we see. "Every Finale participant must sing that season's OWS™, even if doing so will kill them stone dead on national TV and/or completely destroy their career (See: Lewis, Blake)." Fine! We'll send all of the other contestants onto the stage to sing that monstrosity. If just one of them can score 18 or better, LaKisha wins!

Rickey Minor struck up the band, 193 singers brought 193 microphones to their lips, and...oh, this is NOT good. They're twitching. They're retching. They're coughing up blood. "LaKisha" London, "LaKisha" Yamin, "LaKisha" Underwood...they're dropping like flies! Come on, somebody make it through the full 90 seconds. NO! Our best hope, "LaKisha" Sparks, just keeled over, and she's even used to singing this song!! Five more seconds...three seconds...it's done! It's done, and there's still one person standing! Yes!! It's...it's....

...It's "LaKisha" Malakar. Shoot us now.

The judges huddled at their table and tallied Malakar's score. We argued for and received a 10-point bonus for Exceptional Hair Control Above And Beyond The Call Of Duty. And that raised his approval rating all the way to ... a 9. Curses, foiled again. Despite our best and most nefarious plot yet, Melinda Doolittle was the Season Six Replay Champion!

Doolittle smiled shyly, waved to the cheering crowd, and departed on the Bus Of Shame Preordained Victory, proudly clutching her crown. Why does she always have to be so darn likeable? We had our camp Disciplinary Counselors, Viktor, Rocco, and Serge, stuff the 193 losers into a taxicab, and we gave the driver exactly half of the fare needed to get them to town. They can walk the rest of the way. Then, dejectedly, our Head Counselors made their way back to their cabin, kicking at stones in frustration. Although we were thwarted at every turn in our efforts to put the AI6 outcome in doubt, we took solace in two facts. One, the most deserving contestant won, and that's what Camp Should-A-Been is all about. And two, the AI7 Replay would start in just a few days, and it promised to be about as unpredictable as this one was dull. Though we're pretty sure one of the Davids will win.

—   The End   —

(PS - The table above shows tonight's "real" results, as if you hadn't already figured that out.)

Camp Should-A-Been – Season Six Results

  1. Melinda Doolittle
  2. LaKisha Jones
  3. Jordin Sparks
  4. Blake Lewis
  5. Stephanie Edwards
  6. Sabrina Sloan
  7. AJ Tabaldo
  8. Chris Richardson
  9. Jared Cotter
  10. Chris Sligh
  11. Gina Glocksen
  12. Brandon Rogers

-- The staff of WNTS.com

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