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Camp Should-A-Been - Season Sixteen

Camp Should-A-Been

Okay, people, make it snappy! Customers, find your seats! Contestants, report backstage and be ready to sing! Judges, um, just wing it; it's not like you did anything useful this season anyway. ABC rebooted American Idol in 2018, but it was more like a milk run than a full-blown journey -- we only have ten episodes to replay this summer. How on earth are we CSAB counselors supposed to identify the next great pop superstar in 10 days? At least there's no shortage of worthy candidates: soulful Michael J. Woodard, country diva Gabby Barrett, rockin' Cade Foehner, quirky Catie Turner, edgy Jurnee Siani, runner-up Caleb Hutchinson, and of course AI16 champ Maddie Poppe, whose outstanding song choices kept her one step ahead of the field in real life. Can they propel her to a victory in a competition where only night-to-night approval ratings matter? We'll find out soon enough -- really, really soon enough -- as our sixteenth replay gets underway here at Camp Should-A-Been!...geez, Ryan, haul it; we're fifteen seconds behind schedule already!!

Results

Thursday, June 21st, 2018

Semifinals Group One (Solo)

Performance Web Rating Result
All Along The Watchtower0000All Along The Watchtower
77
 
1Pending
Golden Slumbers0000Golden Slumbers
63
 
1Pending
Georgia0000Georgia
62
 
1Pending
My Church0000My Church
55
 
1Pending
Love On The Brain0000Love On The Brain
44
 
1Pending
Ain't Nobody0000Ain't Nobody
39
 
1Pending
Rude0000Rude
37
 
1Pending
Call Me0000Call Me
36
 
1Pending
A Broken Wing0000A Broken Wing
36
 
1Pending
Way Down We Go0000Way Down We Go
25
 
1Pending
If I Were A Boy0000If I Were A Boy
22
 
1Pending
Hello0000Hello
21
 
1Pending

Who says you can't go home again?! There we were, walking through the grounds of our beloved Camp Should-A-Been this afternoon, enjoying the sights and sounds we missed so terribly last summer during American Idol's hiatus.

(*Splash!*) Look! It's a bunch of Season Eight semifinalists frolicking in the lake, while head lifeguard Katie Stevens is busy texting on her cell phone. Meh, they're used to being overlooked.

(*Thwack!*) There go the Top 12 from Season Two at the archery range, happily shooting arrows at the targets...and, occasionally, at each other. Good thing their aim still stinks.

(*AAARGH!-Whump!!*) There's Erika Van Pelt on the athletic field, pulling the football away from Lacey Brown just as she runs up to kick it. We, uh, aren't entirely sure why they redo that ritual every summer. Something about a longstanding tradition between their two families.

(*Blerrrgh!*) That's the noise coming from the Mess Hall. Enough said.

And finally, there's the sound of music wafting from the ampitheater! Okay, so tonight it wasn't exactly Julie Andrews doing "My Favorite Things". It sounded more like the time Julia DeMato got drilled in the leg by an arrow, in fact. But, we were happy to hear it anyway. The first episode of the semifinals is always a ragged affair, and this one was par for the course. Just as in the actual semifinals this spring, every contestant would get to sing twice: one solo number, counting for two-thirds of their score, and one celebrity duet accounting for the other one-third. So, a weak debut wasn't necessarily fatal.

Before the show, we had a long moment of silence for Leah LaBelle and her husband Rasual Butler, who were tragically killed in an car accident this January. Leah was, ah, one of our favorite CSAB contestants over the years, which isn't necessarily something an Idol shoots for, but we were sincerely heartbroken to hear of her passing. (And, Butler was a Philadelphia hoops legend.) Afterwards, we welcomed our three new judges: the eminent Lionel Richie, the enigmatic Katy Perry, and the embarrassed Adam Levine, who showed up at the wrong summer camp yet again. We're trading him tomorrow with Camp Chairs-a-Spinnin' for Luke Bryan, though they assure us there's really no rush.

Rocker Cade Foehner won the Group One solo round handily via only the second Jimi Hendrix cover in the show's history. (Helpful fact for future AI contestants: songs written by Bob Dylan have averaged a 67 rating over the years.) Real-life finalists Michael J. Woodard, Jonny Brenns, and Gabby Barrett also broke 50, but things hit the skids after that. Kay Kay did 'kay, scoring 44 on her Rihanna kover, but after that came a sea of two-star performances; seven in all. Well, at least two of that bunch will advance to the Top 14, so it'll come down to the strength of their duets tomorrow night.

Besides, even if the singing wasn't so hot, the fact that CSAB was open for business again was enough to put a smile on everyone's face. Everyone except our charmingly evil CEO Simon Fuller, that is, who seemed downcast and apprehensive all day. C'mon, Mr. Fuller, cheer up! We've got everything back! All 406 previous contestants are here, plus the crew, and the band, and Ryan Seacrest, and the judges, and the petting zoo animals, and the lousy food, and the snark. Everything! What's that? 'Not quite everything, mates'? But, we don't understand. What don't we have that we should?...

.......the WHAT???!!

Friday, June 22nd, 2018

Semifinals Group One (Duets)

Performance Web Rating Result
Unaware0000Unaware
80
 
2Safe
Never Tear Us Apart0000Never Tear Us Apart
72
 
2Safe
Stay0000Stay
63
 
2Safe
Angel In Blue Jeans0000Angel In Blue Jeans
46
 
2Safe
I Can't Make You Love Me0000I Can't Make You Love Me
44
 
7Eliminated
Wake Me Up0000Wake Me Up
42
 
2Safe
Good To Be Alive (Hallelujah)0000Good To Be Alive (Hallelujah)
37
 
2Safe
Stuck Like Glue0000Stuck Like Glue
33
 
7Eliminated
Despacito0000Despacito
29
 
7Eliminated
Back Home0000Back Home
24
 
2Safe
River0000River
22
 
7Eliminated
Drive By0000Drive By
16
 
7Eliminated

Okay, everybody, settle down! You've heard the news, and it's not good. We're sure you all have a lot of questions, and we'll try to answer them as best we can. Who wants to go first?

No, Crystal, we don't know who owns the campground. Mr. Fuller won't say, except that it's one of his old business associates. Judging by that huge sign out front, we're guessing it's some guy who teaches retirees how to play bridge. All we know is that he's a very busy and important man, and that he really, really, really hates trespassers.

Yes, Bo, the buyback terms were agreed upon and the papers have been drawn up. But, the new owner hasn't signed them yet. Mr. Fuller says the sale might go through any day, or it might not happen for another month. Until that time, we're all here illegally. No, Michelle, the fact that you have asylum isn't going to help you if the police show up.

What's that, LaKisha? Yep, it's going to be business as usual. Season 16 was so short that the entire Camp Should-A-Been replay will be over on July 2nd, even with us taking Saturdays off as usual. We're going to stick with the nightly schedule, and with any luck we'll be out of here before anyone realizes we were here. Or something. We'll also run our annual sporting events with the other replay camps around the lake, to avoid raising suspicions. But let's be clear: everyone is going to keep a really low profile on social media for the next ten days. No photos, no geotagging, no self-promoting antics -- just spend a couple weeks trying to act normal and stay out of the spotlight. Oh geez, someone get the smelling salts; Katy fainted again.

Yes, Joey, we know you wuz robbed. Give it a rest already.

Oh, sorry Dennis! In all the confusion, we forgot to announce the results of tonight's Group One duets. Bear in mind that these approval ratings are based on only about 50 opinions, so the margin of error is high. But, um, "margin of error" is also pretty much what most viewers thought of the show. The average approval rating was just 42, and only three of the 12 performances even reached 50. You'll be happy to learn, however, that your duet with Allen Stone was tops on the night, coming in at an excellent 5-star 80.

Even though the duets counted for only half as much as the solo performances, the scores tonight made all the difference in the world. These are the two-day results:

  1. Cade Foehner: (77 + 72/2) ÷ 1.5 = 75.3
  2. Gabby Barrett: 55, 63 = 57.7
  3. Michael J. Woodard: 63, 46 = 57.3
  4. Dennis Lorenzo: 37, 80 = 51.3
  5. Jonny Brenns: 62, 24 = 49.3
  6. Dominique: 39 + 42 = 40
  7. Catie Turner: 36, 37 = 36.3
  8. Layla Spring: 36, 33 = 35
  9. Kay Kay: 44, 16 = 34.7
  10. Michelle Sussett: 22, 44 = 29.3
  11. Trevor McBane: 25, 22 = 24
  12. Brandon Diaz: 21, 29 = 23.7

Anyway, Cade Foehner and Gabby Barrett were the only two contestants to break par both nights, so they're the first two to move on to the Top 14. Say, has anyone seen Cade and Gabby? They're back in Cabin Sixteen? Hmph. Must be celebrating.

Michael J. Woodard, Dennis Lorenzo, Jonny Brenns, and Catie Turner also advanced, just as they did in April. Dominique becomes our first holdover contestant of 2018; she'll get a projected rating on Tuesday night. That means it's the end of the journey for Layla Spring, KaySquared, Trevor McBane, Brandon Diaz, and real-life finalist Michelle Sussett. We hear she plans on singing her original "I'm a Dreamer" song the whole way home on the Bus Of Shame, so the other four of you might want to ride in the baggage compartment.


Up next: Group Two Solo!
(Coming Sunday)

-- The staff of WNTS.com

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